Veraicon Page

Facebook Page that you should like. Click HERE to be taken down the rabbit hole.

Breathing

Breathing more normal
in and out, in and back out again
It keeps me alive and awake
simple

Stronger
I am here, alone, amazing
Goddess some say, unique others
a wave covering the lands it claims

Untouchable once again
Inside my own womb
my core protected by great walls
I need no one and nothing to thrive

I am a rock, I am an island
I will survive in my cocoon
In my creative mind, in my own love
I am mine. Reclaimed.

I will sneak myself into your pocket
Invisible, do what you want, do what you want
I will sink and I will disappear
I will slip into the groove and cut me up and cut me up

There's an empty space inside my heart
Where the wings take root
So now I'll set you free
I'll set you free
There's an empty space inside my heart
And it won't take root
Tonight I'll set you free
I'll set you free

Slowly we unfurl
As lotus flowers
And all I want is the moon upon a stick
Dancing around the pit
Just to see what it is
I can't kick the habit
Just to feed your fast ballooning head
Listen to your heart

We will sink and be quiet as mice
While the cat is away and do what we want
Do what we want

There's an empty space inside my heart
And now it won't take root
And now I set you free
I set you free

Because all I want is the moon upon a stick
Just to see what it is
Just to see what gives
Take the lotus flowers into my room
Slowly we unfurl
As lotus flowers
All I want is the moon upon a stick
Dance around a pit
The darkness is beneath
I can't kick the habit
Just to feed my fast ballooning head
Listen to your heart

Nobility Lost

There is nothing more devastating in life than to see a noble, wise, and morally superior man deteriorate himself to the dungeons of the immature, pathetic, and lost. The valiant Knight that fought a good war, a righteous war, and a battle of a moral choice, now embraces the same evil that he once fought against. The beautiful man that now, in a time of what should be a solace reflection, chooses self destruction and retires to the pathetic traditions of misogynistic sexist men. Now living only for his "ego" and filling it with emptiness in volume instead of quality, truth, love, and honesty. Running to the frivolous ways of the whorish world where his soul will be hardened and raped with self inflicted battle wounds. Is it the preferred therapy of all men, to lose themselves in adolescence and refrain from being men? Temporarily? Permanently?

I don't care anymore. I can't. Will I always assume men are shallow thinking animals as they proven themselves, with only radiant glimmers of beauty that sparkle and fade like fireworks.

Too Afraid To Love You

Dreams, what are they? Why are they? To torture us? Relieve us? Must they roll in like a thick fog each night and smother my sleep? The time awake that I spend trying not think of you is difficult enough, and yet you follow me still, into the night, along the sands, with the crashing of waves at my bare feet, you stand there before me, in the moonlight. I am there, the fog has rolled in and I have no way to escape but by dawns light. I can feel the soft yet cold breeze brush up against the hair on my arms, on my legs, my bare navel. I stand there naked, feet in sand with the freezing water pulsing against them, washing them deeper and deeper into the sand with each push. I cannot move my feet as you approach me, your eyes filled with the reflection of the moonlight against the ocean waves. At first I tried to free myself of the sand that quickly cemented itself around my ankles but I stopped as I knew that I didn't want to go anywhere. A force was keeping my grounded to where I needed to be; There, in front of you, completely exposed, vulnerable, afraid. You moved with a graceful power, a masculine sweep with a gentle disposition. So thoughtful was the look in your eyes, as if you found a wounded deer in the woods and tried to sooth it. You stopped but inches from my chest and studied my face carefully, reached out your hand and with the back touched the side of my cheek. There was pain there, it was throbbing and hot, an injury I was not aware of. Your gaze then quickly moved away from my bruised cheek and to my eyes, then my lips, and you fingers carefully passed along them. Our bodies so close, yet not touching, produced so much warmth that it was comforting. The warmth was magnetic, intoxicating, surreal. Yet, you never got closer. You stood there silent, arms at your side, and planted in the sand and cold water as was I. The stillness of the moment was polarizing, time paused, the breeze slowed, the ocean hushed itself to listen to our breath synchronize.

I wanted to reach out and touch you back, but i couldn't. My arms were bound by your spell. A force that I didn't know how to conquer. A spell I didn't know how to break. So cruel, so unfair, to be that close and never taste reality. I felt my body ache, my heart burn, the emptiness and sorrow started flooding my veins. My heart pulsed, the mirrored breathing between us was interrupted by my short and rapid gasps of panic. My back was struck by an awesome pain. my shoulder blades were being pulled from my flesh. I tried to scream but the pain stole my voice, it stole my air. You stood there watching, tears streamed down your face, yet you didn't move. You watched as fear spilled it's letters all over you. My hands reached out for you, palms up, pleading for help. Still you didn't move. Some other force was keeping you there watching, tearing you apart, and frozen. Your expression stated changing as my pain intensified to the point of surrender. Looking amazed and bewildered your eyes focused above me. I was too delusional to follow your gaze, my hot tears blurred my vision. I felt the pain to slow as two huge projectiles launched themselves on either side of me. Soft yet powerful, the dark shadows arched ten feet above my head on either side making their presence known. Feathers as black as a crows covered what I identified as wings. I turned my head slowly to take a glance and a shiver ran down my spine and through my new extensions, connecting us. I tried again to reach for you, but i was still constrained. I stared into your eyes hypnotically as the black giants started to slowly move on either side of me and reach towards you. Slowly they engulfed me with their shadow and proceeded to gently warp themselves around your body. We were cocooned in them with only the moonlight peeking through. The cold ocean water stopped pushing into us, the sand released it's grip, our breath started to fill the small space between us as my dark arms tightened their grip.

The fear had vanished from your face, the bruise was gone from mine, and the pain I felt had evaporated though my body and into some other space in the universe. It happened; we touched. Bodies naked and ablaze started warping around one another, hearts pounding like Neptune's cavalry through our blood. Your hands cupping the back of my head as your pressed your warm lips into mine, merging into me, as we levitated over the water. I could feel cold drops of surf kissing my heals. I could feel your never ending grip around my waist, around my back. The emotion was so full, so strong , so real, that only tears could satisfy an outlet. The fear was gone, there was no such word in existence. Had there ever been?

The fog started to roll out, we began to panic as rays of light pierced my eye lids like needles. You started to vanish like air as I resisted to open my eyes.

I want to sleep a million years.

Hands

Every time I look at my hands I wish you were holding them.

The Great Shutdown

There comes a moment when I feel so much, so strong, that I cannot hold it inside any longer. Not without help. A transferable median for my love. These moments happen rarely and might not ever present themselves again in my life, I realize this. Without that median for my transfer and reciprocation I have to withdraw into my icy cave. I am the ice queen: no heart, no pulse, just a pale beauty locked away in a castle made of frozen glass. An ornament is all I am and seek to be. Even drinking has no pleasure anymore. It stirs no emotion other than pain and rejection and I don't wish to feel anything anymore.

Perhaps one day you might stumble onto my castle gate and dare to enter it's frozen walls, turn on the lights and wake me. Take what has been given to you. Perhaps you will never think of my existence again? So I lay here, numb, expired, cold tears unknowingly trickle down my cheeks, as faint images of the ocean surf, warm beach sands, and snowy mountains fog up my tired mind. whoever you are...

I reach for the light switch.

Click.

Hello, it's me. I've come to see you again solitude and emptiness. This is my greatest shutdown.

The Funeral and The Birth

I don't know which came first. Was it the funeral or the birth inside my heart that touched the finish line first. Was it a tie? Inside the four chambers that pump life to my sense, I have clarity on the notion that came to be my sweet present torment.

The funeral was a struggle of flesh and mental fiber being stretched to their limits with mourning, grief, and the image that i wanted us to be. Realizing those were lies, none existent illusions in blankets of thick fog that i longed for and never received, I felt it begin to lower into the cold earth. A life that was nothing more than a hidden two faced secret stashed away from my sight for years. My grieving demised when the realization of betrayal rocked the deception i was choreographed into. Clear and bright red, like thick blood, it screamed in violent decibels for a moment and then was no longer. It evaporated into the universe, into hell, into a black hole where it has detached from my core. It's been replaced instantly. An exchange; the funeral for the birth. The evil that tortured me for so long with vindictive lies was over taken with one touch from you. Like the cry of a new born baby passing through the birth canal, bloodied and brilliantly there in all glory and truth.


The birth was so natural. The new screams and cries so vivid in my heart. It took all he had poisoned me with and awakened my four chambers with a new blood, a fountain of light that I have not know. I never believed in heaven until I listened to your words, your soothing yet raspy voice, and your breath softly falling down my neck. You filled me with you. Swim through my veins as my heart pumps your sails, pushes you though my every desire and need that you can conquer. You are a blood donor, I cannot separate yours from my own. You are forever in me and I cannot let it go. I don't want to... I need it to live. I need you like truth.You are the truth in this sick and twist reality that was created for us. The stage set with disgusting and vile swamps of harsh reality, and we the players. Romeo and Juliet had it easier, they got to die for one another, unknowingly. Here we stand, all knowing of our past, our present, our inability to stay away from one another, and yet to fight the oddity of the exchange. It's shocking that the instant one lover died in my heart, that you should be born into that cavity that very same moment. Is this yet another lie? A dream within a dream? A play within a play? Indeed it is too good to be true? Surreal and sick at the same time. Can there be such harsh truth that one refuses to believe it? Something so completely explosive that takes over mind, body and soul? Or is this only what movie scripts are made of? Perhaps, but only a fool would not explore the vast oceans of passion, complete love, insane intoxication, due to the whispers from fields of pessimists that surround.

Do not leave me here alone too long, the cold is chilling. Why fight it? Why stay away? Why only visit in our dreams when it is there tangible and ready to ride? "They" say when you die and see the white light you experience fear and with each closer step you begin to realize that this is something beautiful, honest, and bigger than us. Let's die in this birth and follow the majestic rays of light that fall upon us. Let's be born again.

Wake up. wake up. I lay here isolated from you by a pane of glass.

Oranges

Oranges are a metaphor for life. Its delicious, but is it worth getting ur hands sticky?

I peel my own oranges and enjoy every bite. I lick my finger tips and let the juice drip down my lips. Join me... U can lick the juice off my lips, off my finger tips. You can get sweet and sticky. Drenched with juice that deserves to be drank by those that crave to live life.

My Sentiments on Slow

Slow is the kiss that hovers above my lips
Slow is the tree that grows it's branches
Slow are the wise to react in situations
Slow is love that nurtures each detail
Slow is the time that passes without you here
Slow is the patience that is learned

All I Wanted

All I want is some warmth
Your voice to shower my senses each night before bed

All I want is to hold you while you make breakfast
to wrap my hands around your waist,
tuck my head between your shoulder blades,
kiss your bare back

All I want is to weave my cold feet into yours at night
to lightly travel the contour of your chest and receive a response
a light touch, a kiss, a whisper

All I want is to swim in the ocean with you
lose ourselves there in the blue monster
silent yet roaring, together warm lips entangled

All I want is to make love to you under the stars
Smell your sweet scent mixed with the air
Feel you move inside of me

All I want is to talk about life's mysteries
into the late hours of the night
holding your naked body against mine
Embrace each word your perfect voice speaks

All I want is to live life fair with you
Daily chores would be sweeter
knowing we are halves of a whole
knowing you are not a leech
but a lover that gives waves of love
crashing into each corner of life

All i want is trust
To hang on your every motion like a child
Believe in all you do and say
Mathematically thought out and logical
completely intoxicating

All i want is your heart
your soul to finally give in
to believe that this is something bigger than us
this was meant to be
the path is so clear, so vivid, so honest
you can't deny this flood
it has swallowed us

All I want is you

re: ex vi termini

I walk through this dream called life
I stumbled on your words
Words that bind and feed the soul
they have fed mine
they have nurtured me with hope
they have given me the will to live
in all dark days and nights
your words are a heart beat
thump thump thump on the pages of existence

The peace i imagine in lost lands covered with white blankets
it's because of you
The silence that my mind goes to is through a solace connection on black pages
here we exist, in our own realm, in our own world with no time to intrude
i can lose myself, i can find myself
as i stumble over your words
thump thump thump

most certainly no olives

My quiet conversation with you unknowning

life is too short to wake up with regrets.
so it is, you are right. we have to move on from this venom.

So love the people who treat you right.
I cherish those that love with honor and respect. I will look at that which i have and not that which i do not have.


Forgive the ones who don't just because you can.
I hope you do. I did, it makes you the bigger person to bestow that mercy on those that perhaps don't even deserve it.

Believe everything happens for a reason.
I do. Otherwise there would be no point to this life? Perhaps i carried this burden of knowing for such a long time so her true colors could show. Perhaps it was all for you.

If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
I hope you do. You have a clean slate to start from. never look back. you are beautiful, you are honest, you are raw. Never be something someone else tells you to be. You are a free man.

If it changes your life, let it.
I will try to let it. it's hard, again you are so much stronger. i know i try to hang on to things that are no longer. the wounds are too fresh. maybe one day soon we will meet and talk about the person we discovered within.


Take a few minutes to think before you act when you're mad.
trying to. my pain still takes control at times. peace is something i have to work on. but my situation is very different than yours.


Forgive quickly.
But don't be naive. Forgive but don't forget. let it build your wisdom and build your demands and character.

God never said life would be easy, He just promised it would be worth it.
I hope you are right. For my sake and yours.

For: J

The moment i saw you sitting in your car as i pulled up, i knew. i knew you would wrap you arms around me and hold me longer than most normal embraces. this embrace was filled with a crazy mixture of pain, sorrow, lust, compassion and love. it had a control violence to it. you held me so tight my ribs changed shape, you were crushing me into you. i didn't want you to let me go. how long has it been since a man has held me like this? i felt wanted for the first time in a long time. we were a mirror image of one another. clones with the same fury, passion, and pain racing through each vein. your blood ran much warmer than mine. mine still cool from shock and fear of what was going to happen. i could feel you breathing me in, i inhaled your scent too. faint smell of cigarettes and salt from your sweat...it was nice to smell skin so close again. it destroyed me to realize how long I've missed that warmth. the way you held and kissed my hand on the drive to what would be a demonic confessional brings tears to my eyes.

With all that was happening around us that night; the torture of the words that oozed in vile rivers from their lost lips, I felt your presence around me, protecting me, standing beside me, never letting me out of your sight. At times a bit rough, a bit forceful, but i liked it. i liked the feeling of a man taking control of me for my own sake, for my protection. Even they saw it. I was smiling inside that they did. You took me from there, you didn't let me go home with their love professed vows being the last corrosive memory killing me on my drive home. you were perfect. so perfect. a knight in some well scripted fairytale. you were so much stronger than i was. i envied you then as i envy you now. you're resilience is astounding.

i keep coming back to the memory of your salty lips as i try to find solace, rest, some sleep perhaps. the heat of them brushing against mine through our tears, violence, pain sends my heart racing at the thought, even the hair on my arms rise. every emotion i have ever felt in my life, i felt with you there in that moment. i've experienced passion before, i faintly remember, but this was nothing of the sort. we were saving ourselves, our souls, our essence...we should have melted into each other, consumed one another and faded away into the universe never to come back. magically crumble into a billion pieces, float into the night and walk among the stars in real love and peace. the moment was beyond anything physical, it was surreal. why are we still here?

i needed more saving than you did. i know that. i wanted to hide in that area below your clavicle and next to your heart. shrink and reside inside of your warmth until i could stand on my own two shaking legs. i wanted you to take me.

the song ended, so did that night and your warm arms. you're forever part of my soul, you saved my life with all that you are. i keep revisiting those moments as i grieve, struggle, and try to breathe with each day proving to be a battle field. it gets me through the panic attacks, the tears, the darkness. i can't forget you, you're mine forever.

the truth shall prevail, even if we can't see it.

love,
v

Boomerang

It will all boomerang back you
Life will affirm this
You will be alone in your deception
How do you sleep?

Good

"You're too good. That's the problem."

May and Maybe

Have a New Year

may it be filled with immaturity, ignorance and ego-centrism
may you be fulfilled in your power lust
may your stupidity eat you alive
may you finally realize that life has left you alone
may life finally kick you in the balls so hard that you grow half a brain
obviously, through it all it hasn't yet

maybe one day you will stop making excuses for your denial and realize you had it all
maybe one New Year you will stop and think and cry
maybe you will learn form all this
maybe you won't

Simple

I am so simple
perhaps an acquired taste
but never comprised or polluted

Truth and transparency are Heaven
they are comforting and yielding
to some

To others it is insecurity and Hell
fear of losing power and control
of autonomy
Immaturity driving through the roads of life

it could all be so easy
it could all be so right
it could all work like vodka and tonic

i am here
patient and studying the statistics of life
of outcome
of choice
of what could be

Life is so simple

Black Swan

I guess the Black Swan always gets the man, while the white suffers in solitude. 'The Little Mermaid' retold in the physical sexual form. But isn't it the truth? It seems a repeating theme in life and art; the 'bad' sexual muse is the one that the man chooses, while the 'good', pure, and devoted is left to wither alone and sacrifice her existence for the one that she loves and cannot live without. Yet, when the roles are reversed, let's say Phantom of the Opera, and the poor thing that 'needs' a man in her life has to choose, she picks the 'good' guy over the dark, mysterious, passionate seducer.



Could it be? When art mimics life it defines our habits in such a way that only cliches can be assumed? Men want sluts and women want the good guy they can trust? Is this who we are as humans? Is this the difference between men and women that will forever be taught and recited in circles til the end of time? Swan Lake and the Little Mermaid ingrained into our core until we hear ourselves saying "it's a beautiful story"? Is really this shallow for our coexistence? Has it always has boiled down to sex. Do men really desire the devout house wife sacrificing her life for their family and his career when he can have the alluring, high healed, little number at the office? No wait, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Right. For the same reason a dog licks his balls; because he can.

Now we take the struggle that is common for so many women; the fight between the white and black swan. The inner struggle that leaves individual women wondering why he wasn't interested in our version of the Black Swan. Why is the girl at the office a better depiction of her than i am? Here's why; they can't coexist in the same body. Therefore; the White Swan kills herself. As if it isn't difficult enough for women to strive to be successful at what they do in for themselves, subsequently they are mother, wife, whore, virgin, to their lovers and husbands. Throw in children and everyday problems into the equation and the White Swan rushes in to save the day. While at the end of the day the Black Swan is too tired to perform on the seductive stage of bed linens. Yes, it seems that cliche has taken its toll here too and the 'little number at the office' has a better version of the dance.

Aronofsky got it right. Women will only be 'his little princess' when they can perform both roles perfectly producing schizophrenic dancers, even if it kills us. Meanwhile; He, Vincent Cassel, gets to play the role of a egocentric pig consuming, with a vivacious appetite, one dancer after another without conscience and choreographing her every move on and off stage. Might i add it was a nice touch to wrap Vincent's character into the decor of his apartment. Everything he owned was black and white, the two could not mix (no gray), yet they shared the SAME space in his cave. The furnishings created such a harsh environment visually that one can only imagine the conflict that the black and white, or the black and white swan, produced in the body/mind of the dancer. To Thomas, or men in general, this might be the perfect woman. The one that can embody both black and white? Good luck to the ladies that try to take on the task and to the gentlemen that think such a woman can exist in perfect harmony.

So girls. Pick one. OH...and we so want to be both?

Hard

She told me i had a hard shell. That i don't let many in. i can't let many in, not really. i wear who and what i am on my sleeve, it doesn't mean i let you in. Not behind these iron curtains, even communism has nothing on me. But to let you in, to let you in completely, physically, emotionally and mentally, it means i have made myself a part of you. You should know by now not to squander it. You were the chosen one and yet stupid you stand with your dick in your hand. Ignorant and unknowing of how to operate in sync. It's so simple, so easy and i gave you the manual, the instructions to my very being, to my existence. As if God himself had written it. A Bible if you will to the center of my chakras. The golden force field of everything i am is handed to you, yet you walk away. Perhaps you need more of that fast food mentality, more commercial happy-go-lucky, high heeled, Mad Men ideology of life kinda woman.


I've let few in. Each broke my armor, but you of all have pierced it bit by bit with a fork. Injured i stand and fight with the many piercings you have left. You won't even acknowledge the wounds. I can't compete, i have no spite or revenge. All i want is compassion and reconciliation, a naive thought when i spin my mind around all that you've kept so secretly from me. The other man i do not know has taken you; your hidden life that i am not apart of.

i wait. Radiating gold, in a chair, holding tight and still as if it were the electric chair and i about to burn. i can only wait so long before i will want to fade away and follow the winds as dust.