tears

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that i have cried for you have no words

Please. Go. Away

My guts churn
i feel my heart burn
looking at them one by one
things you said to her weigh a ton
each picture from NYC
looking at each other like you want to be
biting her, kissing her, holding her tight
i lay here alone with those image at night
the same words you say to me
word for word
but why when there are so many
why didn't you pick another
why do i even bother
she is gone and yet still here
makes no sense to me and my fear
"your smile and eyes melt me"
these words aren't as special anymore
could it be?
even though your done with her and only want me
why are the pictures still there
why keep sake the memories if it's over
why torment your now lover
"your the most amazing woman in the world"
perhaps more like one of many
does it matter
should i care
i try to shake it but i can feel the tear
of my soul and that heavy feeling
of having my heart smashed against the ceiling.
why should it matter
its all in the past
why does she keep them
the pictures to last?
she would have you now if you let her stay
this is why they are there
for me to stare
and lose my mind as if i care
please.
Go away
i turn my head and close my eyes
i think of another sunrise.
i flip through all the lovers i had
the words i have written inside my head
have i repeated myself or use the same words?
same pet names and tender exchanges?
i can't recall using the same
perhaps here i am to blame
for being so unique, original and thoughtful too
I'd never call you as i did my past boo
"oh it's so cold in this climate"
i feel I've lost the control and failed as a pilot
i guess I'll never understand why they have to be there
i don't know if you will ever see how it's all unfair

can't get you off my ...

She walked into the dark bar that had a comfortable temperature about it. They didn't turn the air on too high which was nice, or their air conditioning unit was breathing it's last gasps hence the non freezing temps after coming in from the the concert frying pans. The dining area wasn't full and the bar was completely empty. she didn't have to worry about what people would think about her sitting alone and she didn't have to pretend that she was busy pretending to be interested in something going on in her phone. she came for a drink and to think. Thinking that will either get her nowhere or no where. Yet there she was, fully knowing that her tormenting her gray matter over some magical concoction would change nothing. perhaps it will help her clarify where she wants to go with all this? these little details , these tiny details. Yes, the details. They make up the whole of larger matters. like the protons and the neutrons of the atom and then the molecule. We are nothing more than senseless carbon, with a limited half life and yet we focus on such details. Why can't we be more ape like and think about just the basic needs? Eat, shit, sleep, fuck, and occasionally swing from tree to tree and pick some parasites out. None of this "why is he like this around me and like when around his friends". She just wanted to know why the difference?

She sat down. the chair spun around with a slight squeak. The wood on the stool was cracked and old, a very vintage look paired with an iron base. it smelled of bleach and old grease from the kitchen, and the old recycled wooden bar appeared to be clean. The bartender walked up and tried to take her order in the most charismatic way possible. she couldn't help but ponder on the truth that she would still be tipping him either way so why the show? is he board? ya probably. or he just wants to flirt. He's young still, at least by city standards, and not old enough to not give a fuck. older bartenders seem to have the " I've been doing this for too long" worn out demeanor under their fake grimaces. This one didn't have that yet, so it would be safe to assume he was flirting, as they all do. Even the gay one's they flirt with her too.

She ordered a dark and stormy. Just enough flavor without being fruity and killing the style of the alcohol. Ginger had an effect of sophistication without being straight up and strong. it was either that or a dirty martin and the olives wouldn't vibe with her planned meditative pondering. The dirty martin was the flirt drink. it has large olives that can be sucked on, crushed gracefully between the front teeth and played with orally while indulging in conversation as to keep the male focused on her lips and tongue. No, it wasn't that kinda day. Ginger, ginger helps clear things. It was a dark and stormy day.

So she sat there; Fedora on her head, small distressed leather clutch on the bar, phone beside it, blonde hair peeking from under her hat and her blue eyes focusing on the abyss of potion she was holding between her hands like a cross at mass. there it was, the truth, reality; why? why should she even ask why? waste the time and energy to replay what happened? Why are men such hard asses around their friends? why is it when they are alone he is the softest and most amazing human being and around the people he has known half his life he treats her a little cooler, more formal, and plays the power hand. No longer are there intonations of passion in the verbal "i love you", just said straight and forward, and so out of character for what he had gotten her use to. Perhaps she was wrong. Perhaps it was not out of character. perhaps this was who he was. This cooler version is who he will be once the honeymoon phase is over. she played with her glass and took a big sip. her chest started to tighten up at this thought and her heart was pounding so hard that she could feel her body move slightly with each thud. She took another sip as if it would work immediately. She hung her head low and focused on not crying as her throat tightened and her heart broke. The last thing she wanted was attention and advice from a bartender. The basic assumptions of logic had no ground here. everything about this relationship defied gravity as of right now. sure that's what everyone think of their relationships. it wasn't for the average commoner to bite through and it wasn't for a bachelor bartender striving to be the next hottest thing on screen to give his two cents about. Their history alone would be enough to write 5 Hollywood movies on. enough material to keep writers busy for years. She knew more about the bartender just from looking at the way he moves, the way her sounds, talks and grooms himself then he would ever know in his whole life time about her and how her heart works. It's the way it's always been, it's the way it might always be? at this she couldn't help but think about the phrase "i love you". It's such a dirty trick, she thought. When she says the infamous phrase to her lover she means it. with every time she says it she means it more, it grows, it becomes stronger. like a muscle; the more you work it out the bigger it gets, getting stronger until it can grow no more so one works out to maintain it. To keep it fit. There should be no limit on the phrase since love is unconditional. So why make conditions on it? it's a contradiction to say, " i don't say "i love you" all the time because it loses its meaning". WHAT THE FUCK! Her teeth tightened and her eyes intensified. Did he really say that? Her thoughts almost became a verbal whisper under her breath. This time the bartender felt her energy and in attempt to feel out the situation came up and asked her if she liked her drink. Her drink was lovely but not strong enough for her emotions at the current minute. She lied and said it was perfect.

The men in her life have all done this to her before. it was nothing new so why does it hurt? why is she sensitive now? one said that he cannot say it when he doesn't mean it, the other said it only when he wanted to say it, in other words when he wanted to get laid, many had no idea what they were talking about when they said it, and now the love of her life said he doesn't want it to lose it's meaning by saying it too often? how? HOW can anyone wear out a word? it's not a pair of jeans? it can never lose it's meaning. "hate" will always be hate and no one gives a shit about that word. "stupid" will always have the same meaning if used a billion times.But "love" loses it's meaning?! there aren't numerical meaning limits on words!


love
   [luhv] Show IPA noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun
1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.
sexual passion or desire.

note: may only be used a max of three times a day Monday through Friday except on weekends where the max increases to 5-10 tens a day depending on drug and alcohol consumption. If the the word is over it's maximum the meaning will lose it's meaning rapidly and change it's definition. Please look at the word "like" for the alternate meaning after reaching maximum guidelines intended for the word "love".

She laughed at the thought. It's simply stupid. All of it is stupid. Let him act how he wants to in front of his friends. Insecurities? are his friends non affectionate in front of him with their lovers? will they think he is insane for falling in love so quickly and that's why he plays this cool hand? he says he doesn't give a fuck about what "they think" and yet the actions are so contrary to his nature. She snapped out of it. Like a light switch was just flipped. she laughed at the childish behavior, the childish words, the immaturity. The high school boy mentality about love that she had to hear from men time and time again. Why did she let it get to her? why the fuck does it matter? She has been through so much shit in her life that she should know by know that men are idiots most of the time when it comes to their inability to digest human affection. it's located in their penis for the most part and if they are thinking with their other head, it's rare to find a type that loves constantly even on the most stressful days of his life. Sure she had all that worked out, she also knew about her own insecurities, the things that scared her in the past, and the things that set off red flags in the present. ok, fair enough she thought as she took the last swigs.

She drank the rest of her dark and stormy and smiled a little flirty smirk at the bartender. He said something witty that made her laugh and winked back at him. She picked up her clutch and stroller her tight jegging ass gracefully out of the 45 minutes of climate controlled cool and into the blazing city streets. It's not over she thought as the heat beat at her face. She will go home and write about it to get it out of her system, let it all reside somewhere else. Let her insecurities reside next to her misunderstandings and her inabilities to understand her actions and emotions on the internet. there for all to read and absorb. Her pettiness made her laugh as well. suddenly the small electrons weren't in the picture, neither were the atoms or the molecules. no, not even the the DNA or entire involuntary muscle groups. All she could think about was his face, his voice, his smell and the way that he held her when they were alone. the thoughts he thinks of her daily, the constant emails filled with love and promise, the purchased plane tickets, the continual planning he does to be with her, the day dreams of their wedding day and the boy names he had been thinking of for his son one day. Ya suddenly she felt foolish and small. Like those spoiled rich cunts that expect their men to lick between their dirty toes on TV. it was a disgusting feeling. A fake feeling and she was anything but that. Raw and unfiltered with genuine blood on her sleeve to a fault was where her character thrived. Not by choice but by molecular structure and genetic disposition. Culture had something to do with it as well, but even then she had a hard time being anything other than who she was since birth. She couldn't get him off her mind. Through it all it was all about getting to know one another and understanding the way the other ticks. Sure she wasted a lot of time on nothing but it was for something. it was for the bigger picture, the details that build it up and make it beautiful.

She finally got home exhausted from the heat and dehydrated from the drink to her small methodically planned out small space of an apartment and sat down in front of her computer. He was asleep somewhere in a different country and she would think of him as she writes her pain and days frustration down pixel by pixel. After all it's not worth fighting over, it's not worth causing problems about, there is nothing wrong so why break it. She was at peace and she was getting very tired. As she started thinking of the best fitting words to describe her roller coaster of shit, she felt sleep take over. As stupid as she has made her day out to be, after everything, and all she thought, she could only think of him and how badly she wanted to sleep. She left her unfinished entry hanging in space and time and crawled into her cool bed. She felt her primate instincts take over.

...

My efforts
Saturated
With
Love unbound
Wriggle
Anxiously
Like
A worm
On a hook
Waiting for
Complete
Injection
Of affection
Even though
Apart
I want
A tremendous
Influx
Of your
Heart
In
My heart
Nothing less
Will
Even
Do

Stretching

deliberately elongating my mind into realms of emotions that are new to me. bending past things that are certainly unrealistic to most. that are insane by "standards". but really does the soul care about standards of pathetic mankind when there are other factors at play. energy that penetrates our gray matter and places us where we ought to thrive instead of where we wanted to be as children proclaiming suicidal standards into rhetorical blasphemy of "when i grow up". IF we didn't know our age, how old would we be? If we didn't seek conformation where would our hearts beat? If we didn't enjoy the thrill of pain so much how many of us would reach nirvana?

It hasn't worked. none of it. not in my life, not so far. the constant search for stability has proven futile and a waste of precious time. The obsession to seek the norm and try to fit-in reeks of idiotic philosophers and scared people. I have changed my style of writing, i have exchanged the volatile nervousness and over exaggerated passions for peace and freedom; For a soothing passionate emotion evoked by love that i cannot write about nor speak about. i wouldn't be able to do it justice. As it is hard to walk when one is in a coma or paralyzed, it is just as difficult to explain a connection that is so overwhelming that i can't process it as a whole. everything is as congested as the 101 at 4:45pm. I can only sit there in my car and accept that i will not be moving for hours down the veins of the universe.

For the most part i believe that the universe doesn't care about us as carbon life form. It will be here with or without us. Sometimes though something happens to particular pieces of carbon. they bond with an energy that is not created with themselves, it's created outside of their ability to understand, beyond Hawkins ability to understand. A freak of nature happenstance that allows these two carbon based creatures to explore something that they would not be able to find without one another. it's as if for some reason the universe invited them to it's party in the sky, to become part of it's infinity. to reach nirvana and explode into a million particles. can love feel like this? can we ever fully understand it in terms that are foreign to us? can we accept it as we accept involuntary muscle groups pumping life through our veins?

I've been bending my mind through hoops of pointless emotional fire. I am sick of it and can no longer deal with the pointless bullshit. stretching: is the only way i can explain miniscule portion of the evolution that has taken place in such a short period of time. i miss you. You are my home. it feels unnatural to be away from you.

Cadeau

Let me present you with a gift
one that has no emotions left to sift
through
flour perfect and white it sits waiting for a touch
knowing that the indentation left will produce such
an emotion
with your finger print leaving wakes in my bones
this power you've given me is stronger than stones
throne
which you have placed my heart upon longs for equality
the truth in action which builds castles of stability
flowing
through peace with respect in our veins
no two faced agendas causing the other pains
aching
run deep through our wounds healing
and burning the past that i have stopped feeling
sadness
as at times seeing you have ignored my written presence
publicly looked over my virtual essence
confined
to a bottle in the middle of a duet of solitude
to remain strong within myself i have changed my soul attitude

this is my cadeau
my gift to you

Rage

It's in this silence that i find my rage
trying to fight all in between the spaces of my mind
wishing it would just shut down
i find you there
rolling around
like a glass marble spinning in my hand
trying to get out of this water
desperate for land
how did you do this to me?
why couldn't i see?
why didn't you just let me be?
alone and uninterrupted
in my pain you came and picked me up
my life you freely disrupted
saying things i haven't heard before
the promised i hope are not corrupted
now deal with all i am
all i can be
you've written a new page
to a book that never ends
i fill it with passion and rage
until i can see the truth
it all depends

Jealousy

I lied.
There are things i will never tell you
I protect you from my fears
i don't want you to think i am jealous
that i am threatened
I withdraw when i know you speak to her
your nickname for her stings
your welcoming acceptance of her affection stabs
the inside mementos between you two run miles inside my head
i can't compete with the time you had together
i don't want to
i get the back seat to her in public
i don't even get acknowledged in her presence
it hurts
it burns
i won't fight
i just vanish and let it go
i have no will to fight
my fighting years are over
my "i love you" is skimmed over
i will never push
it eats at my heart
it's the only one i have
the only one i will die with
i wish you would let go of the past
let go like i did mine
completely and freely
everything erased and discarded
making room for the new
with no past territories to speak of
to think of
no claims and stakes made on my heart
none on my past lovers
none on yours
cut the stings
throw away the pictures of morning afters
move forward without the collection
without the fall back
without the territories you you've marked
i come to the line with nothing in my bag
everyone can see my walls and what i hold for you
i am not ashamed
never would i change my lover to lesser for others around
it's cheap
it hurts
just tell me to leave then
and i will go
jealousy put me here

My Ocean Floor

I want to hide my tainted mind inside your heart. Seek refuge there and build a home. Within loving walls, honest stone, solid wooden doors, i want to live. Understand my life, my ways, the reason behind it all and love me all the more. take me in with all my flaws and fall deeper because of them. Know they will never hurt you, not really. They will fall off eventually, you will see only the perfection that i am to you... allowing me to see the perfection you are to me. Souls connected, forever, with nothing more in their way than the hardships of the flesh. But you know what they are, and you know what they are capable of. So take and eat of my bread for it is my body, and drink of my wine as it is the blood that runs in my veins for you. Always good enough for you, as you are always good enough for me. I will follow you to the ends of the world if you if you swim inside my waters and roll with its waves. I am a contained ocean, with gravity holding me to my earth, to you. You are my footing, my earth under my heavy and watery depths, you are that which most will never see nor know of. Only i can feel you there at the bottom where no one has dared to go and explore. The universe of my ocean floor lies open to you. I will teach you how to swim.

She gonna teach me how to swim

all along the western front
people line up to receive
she got the power in her hand
to shock you like you won't believe
saw her in the amazon
with the voltage running through her skin
standing there with nothing on
she gonna teach me how to swim

i said ooh girl
shock me like an electric eel
baby girl
turn me on with your electric feel
i said ooh girl
shock me like an electric eel
baby girl
turn me on with your electric feel

all along the eastern shore
put your circuits in the sea
this is what the world is for
making electricity
you can feel it in your mind
oh you can do it all the time
plug it in, change the world
you are my electric girl

-MGMT

Home

Things drift in my mind
in and out lucidly
like the ocean tide, serenely
Our wet lips locked permanently
my hands in your hair
your force inside me completely
emotionally
i surrender to the fluid activity
that rocks my body with insanity
heat like a volcano
sweat like nothing i know
to and fro
we flow like tempo
so hard, so deep, the thrust, the blow
take me down like a wild horse
tame it and claim it
take all of it
drive it at full speed on my race coarse
The thing is i can't live without this
it can't be like this
i don't wish this
i need you here to dish this
and make this
your home

If

If I could only express what your words mean to me. What they strike inside me. How vivid they are and what they invoke. The things that I have endured, things i have heard, things that have bruised me physically and emotionally. It's hard to pretend that I can take these words you speak and dreams you share so freely with me and think of you as just a friend. It's cold and heartless to say we are just friends. Friends don't exchange such ideas, lovers do. Romeo and Juliet swirled on words and ideas and attraction that had not been realized. I am a fool, an old school fool that hangs on words more so than anything else. My heart melts at in their presence and to their sound; they are the most delicious foreplay to the more tantalizing sex ever to have been had. You control me; I cannot find it in me to tell you this. My heart and it's rhythm is as unique as the spelling of the word itself. I wish I had a space on your arm next to your sisters. Truth elixor makes me so. I shake my head, in ever which way trying so hard to think other thoughts. I've fallen. The bottom is stone cold and hard, there is a reality that pertains to it. I can feel it's chill through my bones as i sit there and wait like the hopeless damsel for her prince. Even though i have never been the one to wait, the one to open up, the one to feel more. I know I keep so much to myself, in my own panic room. Waiting to meet that one I can open the flood gates to and share the skeletons in my closet, the one that won't run, the one that will long to stay against all means. The one that will crave all that i have to give with no hidden agenda, no "let's play it by ear". A certainty that runs so deep in his veins that he knows there is nothing else on earth that would ever pull him away. I can't hope for anything less than a fairytale. A best friend that literally needs my presence to breath and visa versa: until we die, until our gray hair cover our bones. This is no joke, this is my life and it is all so short when we step back and take a look at it. i don't intend on wasting anymore years on men and their empty words. It will never happen again.

Love is such a life line for me that who so ever gets to share it with me needs to realize that they can kill me with the slightest of reckless behavior. It's my heart you hold in my hand, like your sisters' and your mother's. You have seen them break and rupture beyond repair, you know the darkness that sits there for a women like us. You know the truth. Tread carefully.

13

In Sikhism, the number 13 is considered a special number since 13 is tera in Punjabi, which also means "yours" (as in, "I am yours, O Lord"). The legend goes that when Guru Nanak Dev was taking stock of items as part of his employment with a village merchant, he counted from 1 to 13 (in Punjabi) as one does normally; and thereafter he would just repeat "tera", since all items were God's creation. The merchant confronted Guru Nanak about this, but found everything to be in order after the inventory was checked. April 13 also usually turns out to be Vaisakhi every year, which is the Sikh New Year and the major Sikh Holiday.

The number 13 brings the test, the suffering and the death. It symbolizes the death to the matter or to oneself and the birth to the spirit: the passage on a higher level of existence.

For the cabalist, the number 13 is the meaning of the Snake, the dragon, Satan and the murderer. But it is also for Christians the representative number of the Virgin Mary, she whose mission is to crush the head of Satan.

If we represent 12 under the form of the Zodiac, 13=12+1 is the number of the eternal return. The 13th hour is also the first, just like the 25th or the 37th.

We find often the number thirteen associated with the Blessed Virgin Mary. Her Assumption occurred a Friday 13, in August, at 3 o'clock of the evening, according to visions of Mary Agreda. However, according to revelations of Mary Jane Even in 1994, the Virgin would have died on August 13 and would have resuscitated two days later, that is to say on August 15 to be then received Body and Soul in the Sky. Also, the first and the last appearance of the Virgin Mary in Fatima occurred respectively on May 13 and on October 13, 1917 and it is on July 13, 1917 that the children of Fatima had their vision of the Hell, showing thus that the thirteen is also closely in relation to the suffering and to the death. Still today, in the end of time, the Virgin appears to some seers and clairvoyant only the 13 of each month. The 13th day of the month in the Christendom would be thus particularly dedicated to the Virgin Mary. Moreover several received particular messages tend to show it as it is the case of following messages. In one of messages given to a privileged soul of Quebec, Our-Lord recommended that the 13 of each month is in the honor of his Mother and established in each family. In another message given by the Virgin Mary to Sister Lucy of Fatima the 1st May 1987 for the celebration of the 70th anniversary of the day when she appeared her to Fatima on May 13, 1917, She asked her to celebrate the 13 of each month by songs and the praises in spirit of repair and of expiation. Remind also that it is on May 13, 1981 that occurred the attack of the Pope John-Paul II, in the Saint-Peter place. What saved him from the death, it is that he turned the head to look an engraving of Our-Lady of Fatima at the same moment where the ball of the gunner passed. The France, devoted to Mary since Louis XIII, celebrated her by processions.

No Fool

Say my name, say my name
If no one is around you, say "baby I love you"
If you ain't runnin' game
Say my name, say my name
You actin' kinda shady
Ain't callin me baby
Why the sudden change?

Missing

I can't help but think about the magical conversations. Each one played in my head a dozen times, rewind and fast forward, trying to visualize every word. An alternate universe. Is that all i have created? is there a tangible reality at the end of the rope? Will he one day sit me in that chair on his lap after cooking me dinner? Will he reach into the ocean water to pull out a shell with a ring in it? Hopes and dreams and the remnants of pain are sewn over my heart in patches. Each patch sewn to it with words, if they were to unravel like thread my heart might fall through my chest and land at my feet like a wet towel. I fail to understand how physically changed I've become because of his words, how effected. Fear that something this strong can take hold and mold me like clay in my makers hands. Is he strong enough to weather the storms of my soul, will he take all i build and kick it over with one blow? Like a best friend turned bully that stomps through your perfect sand castle. With one blow; it's that easy isn't it? To break a heart. That missing goodnight or a slight different energy over the phone. A quicker goodbye than usual. A longer silence between seconds. Insecurities start crawling out of the ground like ants turning my mind grey and withdrawn. Yes, i am aware of reality, perhaps that's why i feel everything so intensely. Perhaps that's why each word and gesture means that much more to me than to the next person. I know how rare it all is.

I am a rock, I am an Island.