I guess I ran out of excuses

You Fooled Me Good, Really Good

Truth Always Stings

Fair Warning

Paper War

What do I say what do I say
cuz I know I come a long long way

what do I say what do I say
cuz I know life aint a game you play

cuz when you drop the ball and take the fall
it don’t mean you have to take nothin at all

take nothing from those that give

give love to those that live
speak truth to those that fall
from where you were now you stand tall

not on a street corner to brag your story but in your heart
behind closed doors
you reep the glory ...

of wisdom -
where you have truth open up the gates to your kingdom

part from the false skin you once wore those whores and blunts
they were a bad joke nothing more that life was fake and it all tore

tore like paper in your paper war

what can I say what can I say
cuz I know I come a long long way

what can I say what can I say
I know life aint a game you play

2/9/14 9:19 PM

a war waged through your entire soul the battle bled and made a hole
that you filled
with the things that spilled

into the lives of those you loved- but killed

inside, with your pride
and there you stood tryin to hide
they gave-
they took a shot for you and lay in a grave and said prayers for you
for whom the bell tolls ,rest in peace
your fake skin, fake war
now you have a new lease

a new direction in life problems you made; gone away from the strife
so close those old doors change the locks

fuck those whores
that bleed you like leeches
when you fed them your speeches bout things that never existed
all along it was the good you resisted

what can I say what can I say
cuz I know I come a long long way

what can I say what can I say
I know life aint a game you play

the reality didn’t match the fantasy
it never does!
when you fight truth and make your own just bcuz

you stop moving forward you stun your growth
to childhood promises you kept your oath
you now know that this life aint what you thought it would be now you must see ,now you must see
see clearly
and have it be done
so rest, rest in peace my son...
come a new day
another one
you’ll walk in a kingdom with wise old men
pride of a different sort
now you can begin

what can I say what can I say
cuz I know I come a long long way

what can I say what can I say
I know life aint a game you play 

Queen

You asked her to stand by you 
you begged her to guide you through 
the dark hallways of your mind 
lost pathways made you blind 
to all the glory and the love you had
Trading in that queen for something very sad 
all the bullets she took 
the wisdom that she shook 
in the mirror take a 
look 
Take a look

Read what she's written in your book 

the life she showed you was clear 

a world with no excuses 
the world with no fear 
no lies 
cutting your ties 
from the failed tries
She lifted you up so you might rise  above all the trauma 
the split personality drama 
blamin your daddy's and your mama

Hiding from truth between dirty sheets
one after another
Just meats and cheats
Destroying your self 
condemning your light 
To a  cycle of hell 
That torturous cell 
where you convince yourself that you are well
That u alright
But in thinkin that u lost the fight
U thinkin it to show ur spite 
Let the devil dance in that delight 
Devil don't even wanna take bite

Used to know what class is
now are you jerking off to trashes 

best put on your glasses
Take off them sun glasses

Going for them simple bitches 
you think it bewitches 
you bangin witches 
you hit all the wrong switches
Pollute ur wit 
Cuz you bag a lot of shit 
and bags get heavy 
baggin hoes like groceries 
To set ur mind at ease
beware karma imposes that levy 
she come collecting what is due 
from the universe 
and from you

You had a queen that waited for you
Took the back seat for u
To guide u through
cracked your shell so you could fly 
touch the sky 
in your mind so u can rely 
on your third eye 
to face the truth that makes you cry
You put your queen between the bullet in the trigger
thought you could have something better and bigger
She allowed you to lean on her like a rock 
and she swallowed the shock 
she reached out her hand with Grace even when you kicked her in the face 
to save you from sinking in your own shit 
she pulled you through she took to the hit

You had a queen 
you at home
now you alone
Now you alone

Three Legged Wolf

In your snow , I'm your cold 

I wander towards your trap

Not knowing it's there

I turn my head

I look away I hear a snap

Blood on the snow

there's blood on the snow

who will see who

will know

There's no one here but me

there's no one here to see

the pain

the strain

The screams from inside they linger they hide

The jaws of your trap chew to the bone

I'm here alone - so alone

My heart is in shock my mind turns to stone

Why did you set it?

Why did you let it,

cripple me this way?

So you can have your way?

While I chew my own leg off

I chew through my bones

set aside mental stones

so I can release myself

Walk myself

Love myself

Live myself

On three legs now

I have three legs now

A three legged Wolf 

I am a three-legged Wolf

Hear my cry in your mind at night follow the blood in the snow

you know where to go

So go there ... Go

You know where the Trap is

you put it there

go and stare

At my blood

At my rotting limb

At the flood of my red tears in the snow so you know

so you know

I am a three legged Wolf now because of your blow

For you Moscow — fire fire

She sat there and thought about writing for a long time. She was sick of her own voice, she was sick of the cruelty of her thoughts, she was sick of his reckless strolls down memory lane on Instagram, sick for his infantile pleas for attention on social media, she was sick of the recklessness altogether. She sat down at a dingy old desk at the library. It was dirty, it was ruined and written on, it was used. It reminded her who she had become. Reminded her of how men treated her. Just someplace to do the writing, stable legs to do their business on, scratch their name into its surface with a car key, write a couple of letters on to all the different pussy that they had to micromanage, eat a hot meal on and then leave not even cleaning up after themselves.

The lettter began: 

Dear CV or whatever name you were given first at birth,

There are no words  I can find to explain the mental disillusion that has become my existence. All that was a reality to me has been ripped away from me like a unborn child from the womb of a mother. Something that seemed so real, so tangible, vanished one day under vile circumstances of your own doing.

That sad video of the stray pup that sits at the bottom of an empty reservoir, matted and mulled, sitting in its own urine and unable to stand up is what remains of my heart. Abandoned, alone, sick, and unable to process what has happened. Unable to see anything else but the remains of rewound memories, playing tirelessly as if to beat me into the ground further, and jeering at me with great pleasure. Shell shocked.

I can hear your voice clearly in my head. I can see the other mask staring back at me yelling,

"Look!

Look at her as she sits there with her small sagging breasts and her wrinkled face. She has been defeated. She cannot compare to the body of an 18 year old, she is old and tired and amounts to nothing. Look at what we have made of her. No longer does her strength magnify her beauty. Her creativity, mind, and soul lost to time and space and spread to unknown corners of the universe. Her talents buried deep in the ground never to be seen again. She can't even think for herself anymore as her mind has become mucus and destroyed with the pain that has cut her every which way possible. Just look at how pathetic she is. A life just to breath, eat, shit and then die forgotten by all. She was invisible anyway, no one cared enough. She matters to no one. Most of all she never mattered to me. I fooled her. I succeeded, my ego succeeded, I tore her down completely, I had the power to do so, I made me feel good about myself. It made me feel amazing and accomplished that I can have any stupid and completely gullible female I want. Another one for the collection. Another one for the jar to look at — a specimen that is dead. This one will be labeled 'The One' since she was the hardest and the most work, she will be placed next to all that easy hoes that walked into my trap without a second thought starting with Moscow, Hungary, Greece, Bulgaria, Romania, Poland, New York, Canada, Melbourne, Amsterdam, Italy, Pittsburgh... "

Do you feel proud?

Is your ego filled?

Do you sleep well at night?

Do you enjoy running away from the hit-and-run that you willingly take part of?

Do you have the slightest understanding of how damaging and permanent your actions are?

Do you know who you are yet?

Do you? Do you?

Lie

If you care about words you learn quite early in life that it is evil to lie. It's the most sadistic thing anyone can do. To alter the truth of ones reality with the sounds that fall off your tongue.

gone

Where has the time gone? It flies by like a jet plane at sonic speeds leaving a wake of destruction behind it and never looking back. It goes by too fast to look back. Time and I are far apart. Where time does not stop I stand frozen in some mental glacier. Like a broken record going round and round through the hallways of my thoughts... turning back to the same place I started as I reach the same place I eventually end up. Like a bad dream where you try to find your way out of the dark woods just to realize you have been going in circles through the same path thinking it was a new one with a way out.

Time... has left me behind, or perhaps I chose to stay.

Why

She looked into her mother's raging tear filled blue eyes and asked, "Mommy? Why can't you live in the house that you built? why don't you have money?  You can get some at the bank. Mommy? Why doesn't anyone want to love you?"
Her little hands brushed her mothers face as tears fell like heavy oil to her feet. Her mother answered through sobs, "I don't know baby. I don't know anything anymore. I love you."

burnt bridges

you push me off to sea

you take down pictures of me
tell me you want me and leave
yet you wear my name on your sleeve

fill yourself with emptiness

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

you won't allow yourself to love me

you suffer from two faces

a black winged dove

bound in scattered places

a mind split in two by fear
a fear of love, of devotion and loyalty
nothing more than a fear of reality
a fear of maturity
the realization of purity
manifesting itself and replacing the cruelty
that binds your mind with a distorted finality

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

flames of the bridges i've burnt light my way
i move forward in thought but like a stone i stay
waiting for you to catch up these days
waiting for you to see the lit ways
that i've shown for you
paved for you
stand at the end of the path for you
light bright by the bridges i burnt for you

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

you know the answers that lie in the deep
your heart speaks the truth, let it steap
feel that bullet that burns in your chest
make mends with your past, lay it down let it rest
the light hurts your eyes as you crawl from the dark
only love can lift all that's stark

only with love there is the a stable truth
only with love you you will find the fountain of youth
crawl away from the dark, come from behind the stone
start living your life, no longer alone
there is nothing to fear, there never has been
only the pains of that past, now shed that skin
let the serpent die, let the heart finally fly

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

it's time, it's time to let go of childish ways
to be a man, to leave that phase
move forward in life with the brave
separate yourself from the mediocre rotting in their cave
why be confused and sacred with the rest?
be proud take loves bullets to the chest
only the wise confront the devil
and take their existence to the next level

take a look around

take a look around

Lay Down

“lay down. lay down like an animal and wait.” ― Charles Bukowski, You Get So Alone at Times That it Just Makes Sense


 A friend of mine posted this quote...i keep thinking of these words time and time again. just wait like a dog. I am there when he wants me there, like that dog. Like that best friend that is left alone for the day, left to wait for his return. Humble, loyal, honest and only waiting. Waiting for that moment of love, that pat on the head, that stroke, a smile. Some form of affection and wondering if he thinks of me during his day, or am i forgotten until he wants to remember.

Some say, true to their ignorance, to stop waiting. You know, those people that float through life without ever needing anyone, loving anyone, seldom feeling so empty and paralyzed. Those people that switch jobs every two or three years and climb the ladder of success and don't really think twice when they change from one bed to another. It's just another bed with different sheets, but it's still a bed in form.  Their hair might be different and their tits and ass might be firmer or not, but it's still a hole to stick a dick in. A bland lifestyle without any emotional strings for the most part, the one that nips you in the ass when you turn 40 something and realize that you are a person with no substance, no character, and no one that will hold your hand that you grew and matured with til the end. Ignorance is such bliss on all levels.  I don't understand these people that treat others like disposable one time razors.  I can't stoop down to their shallow levels of understanding life, art, and psychology.  To me it's the equivalent of serving the most gourmet meal filled with beautiful hand crafted food fresh from the farm, just to hear something as idiotic as , "ewwww, I don't know what that is, I'd rather go to McDonalds." I refuse to be associated with emotional retardation as I refuse to be associated with people that are socially part of the ignorant and mainstream. I can't...I'd rather lay down and wait.

So how do you stop waiting for someone that is the only one in the world that makes sense to you. That you genuinely want to see, love, hold and give your whole emotional structure to? Why would i settle again for something lesser than that? Haven't I already treaded down that path just to be left with thorns embedded in the souls of me feet? Why eat poisoned bread and kill your soul slowly? Why not wait for that which makes you full and healthy with love and joy and all that you have dreamed of in companionship? Will I starve waiting for the only person that makes me understand the real meaning of life? Im sure that I might, but it's better than being poisoned everyday without a hope. I'd rather starve hoping that one day I will touch him, smell him, be one with the only person that takes my breath away without the fear of losing him again, and again, and again...

One

I reach in the cupboard for a glass. Poured myself some kombucha and reached in for another glass. I stopped. My heart jumped out of my chest. A warm pain spread there. I realized there are no two. Not anymore. There was no second glass to pour. No one sitting at the desk facing towards the windows. It's just me. A tears ran down my cheek. My throat was tight as I tried to swallow and catch my breath. That was the harsh reality... I was alone once again. Once again my best was not good enough, not even if I had saved his life.

Real

“What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. "Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand... once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.” ― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

unwanted

i am unwelcome
unwanted
pushed out
annoying
self centered i suppose
so it all stops here
i have said everything
given everything
u don't want it
so i give up.
silently i pack my bag
and leave in the middle of the night
somewhere
alone
abandoned for doing nothing wrong
guilty for being loyal and strong
for fighting for you
for being there through all your volatile moments
i know that is not me that has done wrong
it's you that you hate
i took on your guilt and your pain as my own
go on and chase your paper
chase ur ambitions
one day u will wake up and realize
ur audi will not love you back
your money is worthless
and you let go the only person that fought for you
knowing who you are
u mentioned your mother had thoughts that she failed as a mother
in her pain and in her problems of idiot men
maybe she was referring to you as that failure
the one that has slid so far off track
chasing childish dreams
acting like a stupid whore
when she raised you to be a man that fights for things
that are right
ur pride is in the way
so much it will drive you to your lowest point
when you get there remember me
remember that i have always loved you
through your lowest
i never took
i always gave
u told me i was your home
family
your forever
when you hit bottom and you see my face in the mirror
cry
remember me
u had unconditional love
u had me
u threw me out
u didn't want me
not enough to fight your demons off
pride will destroy a man
stubbornness will kill his soul

hello darkness my old friend, i've come to speak with you again

you don't stop by to read any of my words anymore. you don't want to know them, face them, feel my pain, see my love. i live a lonely life. a teased life. i don't want to...

silent

everyday.


there is a pain in me that knows the truth. knows that i am not good enough, cool enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, young enough to keep your interest. sure i am good enough as a person, as a wife/lover/best friend; but i have this feeling that my skills in the kitchen aren't enough to keep you interested when there are others that are pursuing you and it all comes too easy. with so much inventory to chose from why would you ever want me?

some days i am strong and i fuck it all off. stand up for myself and put my blinders on. other days, days such as these, forgive me that you have to read more of my tears, i collapse. my chest caves in and i can't seem to turn it off. wishing i were the center of his universe. knowing i am not.

i wish i could find that strength to let him go. stop with the excuses i make for him. i try hard to be strong, to find the emergency exit. tell myself even though he calls me it means nothing to him, just having his cake and eating it too. he probably calls other girls as well. im a faint beep on his radar, a ghost that walks from room to room at night at times at best. a pit stop for those nights filled with guilt and shame.

i've collapsed. a delayed collapse. i was waiting when it would come...mentally i am water. so capable of doing anything i want. yet unable to take steps. frozen in one spot.hardly getting through it all. i want to find the emergency cord and pull it before i hit the ground.

i suppose its nature acting upon me. my body telling me that it has had enough of players and thrill seekers. enough of men knocking at my door perhaps for the rest of my life. why even think of them when their issues at hand are never resolved, are always in the way of flowing through life with easy and love?

they say that once a brain surgeon cuts through the skull, they can do anything they want to the brain and it will not feel a thing. not one nerve ending. yet, why does the brain inflict so much pain?

i want a big eraser to wipe my past away. never hear from it again. never think of it again. never see the mental images that i have in my head haunting me almost every night....

i don't even wan to write. thought it would help if i did. some release. i can't talk to my friends because they find it entertaining to gossip about my emotions. my family would use everything against me. so i have this... a place where no one will bother me. read it or not. like it or not. i will never know. i will never care.

fuck. i never asked for any of this. never. i had my blinders on... you came along and pulled them off and showed me a different world i believed in.

fuck you life. too cruel.

i would still be on my feet

Just before our love got lost you said
"I am as constant as a northern star"
And I said "Constantly in the darkness
Where's that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar"

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada
With your face sketched on it twice
You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling
I would still be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid

I remember that time you told me you said
"Love is touching souls"
But surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time
You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
"Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed"

You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You're so bitter, bitter and so sweet

Oh, I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

questions

She sat there in an empty room and ask him questions. Her heart bruised, yearning to know something of substance, something tangible, real, something she could hold in her mind as truth. Her facial expressions were very real, as if he were right there, as if she could reach out and touch him. She put her soul into it all, her monologue . Probably more emotional then if he were there in person. She let it all out.

" I'm not weak. But i feel as if you see my love as weak, because you fear it so much. You want me forever and yet you run and push me away. Love is not a weakness but a strength. The weak cannot love and the strong will give unconditional love in my study of life. Because i love you, it doesn't mean i am co-dependent, it means you are fortunate enough in this life to have love that most people will never have in their life. People search for unconditional love, they dream of it, even confuse it with lust and fantasy because it is such a rare thing. then why? why do you fear that which is healthy, good and loyal? why do you run towards the cheap and soulless darkness that has gotten you nothing in life thus far. You have had no love before me that lasted, that fought for you, that wanted to build a life with you, that agreed with you, flowed with you like water, easy and natural. why go back to things that are wrong? that have weighed you down? scared the good person that you are and poisoned the way you think about yourself because of your past?  because you walked on the dark side for too long?
You see yourself the way that you have lived your life has no been working out for you. that it has left you frustrated, lonely, and angry filled with self destruction and living in denial. You see that my words, our struggles has challenged you, pushed you to do things you have talked about doing since you were a boy. You see the changes that have taken place because our union was something epic in both our lives. Then why? Why go back to the dark? why go back to the constant shit? Why not let go and move forward to more wonderful things? why won't you let yourself love me? completely? why? what else have you got? work? success? why no do that with someone you love? travel this life with your best friend...know that i will always be there fail or fly. you cannot find anymore excuses, can you? you've reach the end of the rope. love is rare. unconditional love is a fantasy to most people walking this earth.... are you a gambling man?"