I must have been wrong about it all. I believed every word and hung on to them as if they were the most valuable and rarest commodity on earth. They were. They were promises and words that i have never heard before. Thoughts of love and emotion and logic that were only things i would have dremt of to come out of a man's mouth.
I can go on about it all. The magical energy, the chemistry, the love beyond words, the connection and the senses...the way he knew each thought running through my head by the way i played with my hair. But the sad reality i have to face is a simple one. I try to give myself hope by clinging to his words of love believing that when he said, " my love for you can conquer anything" that he meant it. But... but... but... He's too attractive. He can have any any piece of 19 year old pussy at any moment and does. They wait for him like vultures over a carcass, eying his presence on stage and drooling for attention. They spread their legs for him willingly and gleefully slide on his dick hoping he will message then the next day for more. This trash... this shallowness. This fake attention and dirt. Club to club it's everywhere. How can any man grow up from something like that? how can he want to be with only one woman if he can have plenty of hot young ass at his ever whim and desire. Of coarse it would be hard for him to commit even to the most beautiful, most intelligent, talented creature on earth. How can he give all that up for a life of beauty, light, purity and love. He spoke of it all the time. I was the "one". I was finally what he had been looking for his whole life. I am it no questions asked.
I guess i wasn't enough. My love was more than his love. My looks must have not been enough for him, after all there are so many beautiful woman to choose from. Our common interests were all aligned as perfect as puzzle pieces, our constant talk of art, design, music, coffee, where to live and how next year will be on tour was all intoxicating, but i guess that wasn't enough either. I was just a rest stop for him between shows. Gourmet food and coffee and good sex. An added collection to his on going list of women he fucked before me probably promising them the same. I've been played by a man that says i am the most amazing thing in his life but wants to leave it because he cannot commit. So i have to take it as such. I was used. As i was used by all the men before him. In the same way. I gave those before him my "love" and my services of my talents, my 100% even though i never experienced love as i did with HIM. Yes, i am guilty of giving him my whole soul. I didn't guard it enough. Sadly, i gave it all. I gambled away all my money on a beautiful stallion that gave me the ride of my life and ran out as quickly as he trotted in.
So i rest my soul. I lay it away in a small hole under a beautiful willow by a pond. Where it is quiet. Where no one will hear it cry. No one will hear it weep. I'm done with hearing others cliche statements about how i will find a wonderful man and the sea is full of fish. I only have one heart and i have to draw the line somewhere. My heart is so fragile. So weak. My soul has retired from the constant trampling of love's hooves. I rest it there, in that magical meadow and replace it with a stone from it's pond. It's just to painful to feel anything anymore. Evey thing around reminds me of him ... i don't want to feel joy any more. I don't want to feel love anymore. I don't want to feel hope anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I am just an empty soul, a body filled with organs that continue living without a heart.
Rest in peace my heart.
I use to cry as a little girl when i watched Julia Roberts drive away from her lover. He couldn't commit to her, he wanted his own life after she changed his. I would watch Pretty Woman over and over again. I would cry every time even though i knew he came back for her and that they lived happily ever after.
I never got that ending. My endings are sad and filled with pain. I cry now as i cried when i was 10 when i hear this song.
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