It came around like a thick, heavy , wet blanket. Invaded my head and fogged all i was and wanted to see. I began to panic. Started to stumble clumsily as i picked up the pace in my head. Frantically looking for what was once something that felt like life... something that felt alive and good and well. Instead my hand grew heavy and that brick in my head started to multiply into what seemed to be a dark burgundy wall. A wall that seems impossible to climb over... a wall i have been at before. The familiar texture reminding me that i had once tried to get over... so close, almost there... almost and nothing. AHhh, yes.. the memories are becoming clearer; it's the story of my life.
Here again? Yes. Here again. Let's just pretend it didn't happen and wallpaper over it completely. I can't, i will fight it again? will i fight it again. this time i will get over, i will move past this ever lasting eclipse. My hand brushed against the brick and clawed in to the small crevice. my nails snapped as i started pulling my weight up. blood. pain. hand by hand, my body ached, my arms shook. i couldn't hold myself any longer... but i did. i stopped and took a breath and sat there in the same spot and looked up. Impossible! the wall didn't have an end. I let go and fell. Fell through all the moments i could remember. Like Alice down the rabbit hole only bleeding and knowing what was to come. My life was full of Mad Hatters that held me up for another cup tea and white rabbits that i chased. i was tired. i didn't want to chase or run or climb or stay for tea with bloody hands... i just wanted to hold my breath.
Take control of the involuntary. i wanted to control my heartbeat, my breath and my every nerve ending. what about this wall? fuck the wall! go in that other direction. you know, the other way. that dark path that everyone is uncomfortable with; reality road. Here's where everything starts to click and fall in place. Places i don't like. That place where you feel raped and naked and completely vulnerable when you know you fucked it all up. That place between embarrassment and guilt that you tucked away in a floor board that is now staring you in the face. Talking to you. Telling you. Wake up.
