Why

She looked into her mother's raging tear filled blue eyes and asked, "Mommy? Why can't you live in the house that you built? why don't you have money?  You can get some at the bank. Mommy? Why doesn't anyone want to love you?"
Her little hands brushed her mothers face as tears fell like heavy oil to her feet. Her mother answered through sobs, "I don't know baby. I don't know anything anymore. I love you."

burnt bridges

you push me off to sea

you take down pictures of me
tell me you want me and leave
yet you wear my name on your sleeve

fill yourself with emptiness

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

you won't allow yourself to love me

you suffer from two faces

a black winged dove

bound in scattered places

a mind split in two by fear
a fear of love, of devotion and loyalty
nothing more than a fear of reality
a fear of maturity
the realization of purity
manifesting itself and replacing the cruelty
that binds your mind with a distorted finality

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

flames of the bridges i've burnt light my way
i move forward in thought but like a stone i stay
waiting for you to catch up these days
waiting for you to see the lit ways
that i've shown for you
paved for you
stand at the end of the path for you
light bright by the bridges i burnt for you

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

you know the answers that lie in the deep
your heart speaks the truth, let it steap
feel that bullet that burns in your chest
make mends with your past, lay it down let it rest
the light hurts your eyes as you crawl from the dark
only love can lift all that's stark

only with love there is the a stable truth
only with love you you will find the fountain of youth
crawl away from the dark, come from behind the stone
start living your life, no longer alone
there is nothing to fear, there never has been
only the pains of that past, now shed that skin
let the serpent die, let the heart finally fly

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

it's time, it's time to let go of childish ways
to be a man, to leave that phase
move forward in life with the brave
separate yourself from the mediocre rotting in their cave
why be confused and sacred with the rest?
be proud take loves bullets to the chest
only the wise confront the devil
and take their existence to the next level

take a look around

take a look around

Lay Down

“lay down. lay down like an animal and wait.” ― Charles Bukowski, You Get So Alone at Times That it Just Makes Sense


 A friend of mine posted this quote...i keep thinking of these words time and time again. just wait like a dog. I am there when he wants me there, like that dog. Like that best friend that is left alone for the day, left to wait for his return. Humble, loyal, honest and only waiting. Waiting for that moment of love, that pat on the head, that stroke, a smile. Some form of affection and wondering if he thinks of me during his day, or am i forgotten until he wants to remember.

Some say, true to their ignorance, to stop waiting. You know, those people that float through life without ever needing anyone, loving anyone, seldom feeling so empty and paralyzed. Those people that switch jobs every two or three years and climb the ladder of success and don't really think twice when they change from one bed to another. It's just another bed with different sheets, but it's still a bed in form.  Their hair might be different and their tits and ass might be firmer or not, but it's still a hole to stick a dick in. A bland lifestyle without any emotional strings for the most part, the one that nips you in the ass when you turn 40 something and realize that you are a person with no substance, no character, and no one that will hold your hand that you grew and matured with til the end. Ignorance is such bliss on all levels.  I don't understand these people that treat others like disposable one time razors.  I can't stoop down to their shallow levels of understanding life, art, and psychology.  To me it's the equivalent of serving the most gourmet meal filled with beautiful hand crafted food fresh from the farm, just to hear something as idiotic as , "ewwww, I don't know what that is, I'd rather go to McDonalds." I refuse to be associated with emotional retardation as I refuse to be associated with people that are socially part of the ignorant and mainstream. I can't...I'd rather lay down and wait.

So how do you stop waiting for someone that is the only one in the world that makes sense to you. That you genuinely want to see, love, hold and give your whole emotional structure to? Why would i settle again for something lesser than that? Haven't I already treaded down that path just to be left with thorns embedded in the souls of me feet? Why eat poisoned bread and kill your soul slowly? Why not wait for that which makes you full and healthy with love and joy and all that you have dreamed of in companionship? Will I starve waiting for the only person that makes me understand the real meaning of life? Im sure that I might, but it's better than being poisoned everyday without a hope. I'd rather starve hoping that one day I will touch him, smell him, be one with the only person that takes my breath away without the fear of losing him again, and again, and again...

One

I reach in the cupboard for a glass. Poured myself some kombucha and reached in for another glass. I stopped. My heart jumped out of my chest. A warm pain spread there. I realized there are no two. Not anymore. There was no second glass to pour. No one sitting at the desk facing towards the windows. It's just me. A tears ran down my cheek. My throat was tight as I tried to swallow and catch my breath. That was the harsh reality... I was alone once again. Once again my best was not good enough, not even if I had saved his life.

Real

“What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. "Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand... once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.” ― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit