unwanted

i am unwelcome
unwanted
pushed out
annoying
self centered i suppose
so it all stops here
i have said everything
given everything
u don't want it
so i give up.
silently i pack my bag
and leave in the middle of the night
somewhere
alone
abandoned for doing nothing wrong
guilty for being loyal and strong
for fighting for you
for being there through all your volatile moments
i know that is not me that has done wrong
it's you that you hate
i took on your guilt and your pain as my own
go on and chase your paper
chase ur ambitions
one day u will wake up and realize
ur audi will not love you back
your money is worthless
and you let go the only person that fought for you
knowing who you are
u mentioned your mother had thoughts that she failed as a mother
in her pain and in her problems of idiot men
maybe she was referring to you as that failure
the one that has slid so far off track
chasing childish dreams
acting like a stupid whore
when she raised you to be a man that fights for things
that are right
ur pride is in the way
so much it will drive you to your lowest point
when you get there remember me
remember that i have always loved you
through your lowest
i never took
i always gave
u told me i was your home
family
your forever
when you hit bottom and you see my face in the mirror
cry
remember me
u had unconditional love
u had me
u threw me out
u didn't want me
not enough to fight your demons off
pride will destroy a man
stubbornness will kill his soul

hello darkness my old friend, i've come to speak with you again

you don't stop by to read any of my words anymore. you don't want to know them, face them, feel my pain, see my love. i live a lonely life. a teased life. i don't want to...

silent

everyday.


there is a pain in me that knows the truth. knows that i am not good enough, cool enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, young enough to keep your interest. sure i am good enough as a person, as a wife/lover/best friend; but i have this feeling that my skills in the kitchen aren't enough to keep you interested when there are others that are pursuing you and it all comes too easy. with so much inventory to chose from why would you ever want me?

some days i am strong and i fuck it all off. stand up for myself and put my blinders on. other days, days such as these, forgive me that you have to read more of my tears, i collapse. my chest caves in and i can't seem to turn it off. wishing i were the center of his universe. knowing i am not.

i wish i could find that strength to let him go. stop with the excuses i make for him. i try hard to be strong, to find the emergency exit. tell myself even though he calls me it means nothing to him, just having his cake and eating it too. he probably calls other girls as well. im a faint beep on his radar, a ghost that walks from room to room at night at times at best. a pit stop for those nights filled with guilt and shame.

i've collapsed. a delayed collapse. i was waiting when it would come...mentally i am water. so capable of doing anything i want. yet unable to take steps. frozen in one spot.hardly getting through it all. i want to find the emergency cord and pull it before i hit the ground.

i suppose its nature acting upon me. my body telling me that it has had enough of players and thrill seekers. enough of men knocking at my door perhaps for the rest of my life. why even think of them when their issues at hand are never resolved, are always in the way of flowing through life with easy and love?

they say that once a brain surgeon cuts through the skull, they can do anything they want to the brain and it will not feel a thing. not one nerve ending. yet, why does the brain inflict so much pain?

i want a big eraser to wipe my past away. never hear from it again. never think of it again. never see the mental images that i have in my head haunting me almost every night....

i don't even wan to write. thought it would help if i did. some release. i can't talk to my friends because they find it entertaining to gossip about my emotions. my family would use everything against me. so i have this... a place where no one will bother me. read it or not. like it or not. i will never know. i will never care.

fuck. i never asked for any of this. never. i had my blinders on... you came along and pulled them off and showed me a different world i believed in.

fuck you life. too cruel.

i would still be on my feet

Just before our love got lost you said
"I am as constant as a northern star"
And I said "Constantly in the darkness
Where's that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar"

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada
With your face sketched on it twice
You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling
I would still be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid

I remember that time you told me you said
"Love is touching souls"
But surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time
You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
"Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed"

You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You're so bitter, bitter and so sweet

Oh, I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

questions

She sat there in an empty room and ask him questions. Her heart bruised, yearning to know something of substance, something tangible, real, something she could hold in her mind as truth. Her facial expressions were very real, as if he were right there, as if she could reach out and touch him. She put her soul into it all, her monologue . Probably more emotional then if he were there in person. She let it all out.

" I'm not weak. But i feel as if you see my love as weak, because you fear it so much. You want me forever and yet you run and push me away. Love is not a weakness but a strength. The weak cannot love and the strong will give unconditional love in my study of life. Because i love you, it doesn't mean i am co-dependent, it means you are fortunate enough in this life to have love that most people will never have in their life. People search for unconditional love, they dream of it, even confuse it with lust and fantasy because it is such a rare thing. then why? why do you fear that which is healthy, good and loyal? why do you run towards the cheap and soulless darkness that has gotten you nothing in life thus far. You have had no love before me that lasted, that fought for you, that wanted to build a life with you, that agreed with you, flowed with you like water, easy and natural. why go back to things that are wrong? that have weighed you down? scared the good person that you are and poisoned the way you think about yourself because of your past?  because you walked on the dark side for too long?
You see yourself the way that you have lived your life has no been working out for you. that it has left you frustrated, lonely, and angry filled with self destruction and living in denial. You see that my words, our struggles has challenged you, pushed you to do things you have talked about doing since you were a boy. You see the changes that have taken place because our union was something epic in both our lives. Then why? Why go back to the dark? why go back to the constant shit? Why not let go and move forward to more wonderful things? why won't you let yourself love me? completely? why? what else have you got? work? success? why no do that with someone you love? travel this life with your best friend...know that i will always be there fail or fly. you cannot find anymore excuses, can you? you've reach the end of the rope. love is rare. unconditional love is a fantasy to most people walking this earth.... are you a gambling man?"

anger

i want to write, release this pain and anger i have, this gust of a hurricane that builds inside me, and when it comes time, i freeze. The exit if far too small for the load. a mental and emotional congestion occurs crippling all the words in my mind. stopping them, too much all at once. A million voices in my head all talking at the same time as if i were god. I don't believe in god, though i understand why god is needed. people are so shit that they need to fear. without it it seems people fear nothing. punishment , consequence, opinions, disease, nothing frightens those that lie, cheat, steal and abuse those that have trusted them. Men and women alike, live a gluttonous lives, filled with every desire at a whim, and ride it until they get caught, if they ever get caught. No fear, complete sanctification, getting their cake while eating it too. There is no moral authority above them, no punishment, no pain, no hell to burn in for eternity. only those left in a wake of pain by their manipulation and selfishness seem to burn in eternal flames of  disbelief and shock. God, i wish there were a God.

i guess i need to buy a pickup truck.

Fear

Amazing how fear cripples a man. Ironic how he can speak of fear running civilization into ignorance and greedy but he himself fears to love, to live an honest and simple life.

surrender

primitive writing.
i give up. only because you want me to.i have never felt so unwanted and alone as i do today. i only wanted you to pick me. but you kicked me out, just like all the others before you, made it clear you don't want to give me attention, love, loyalty. you designate that for others i suppose, younger, prettier, sluttier, famous, successful, etc. who would want someone like me? i am no one. i have nothing. no one has ever wanted me... the door is a familiar place for me. every man keeps showing it to me.

so i leave. without a final goodbye. without a sound... im just a small breeze that blew through.

i love you...

I remember

....

See

Can't think. Can't speak. This is what I see.

weekend

i didn't think i would write again. I didn't think i would need to, that i got a break and in turn would give the world a break with my redundant white noise.

i want to vanish. leave everything and everyone i know and live on the streets in a place like India. Just day to day survival, no friends, no one that will hurt me, no one that will know me, no one that will want to...no one does anyway.

thoughts, thoughts run through my head so fast. like a highway full of them speeding by. catch one. one less sitting in my head. can't even think like i use to. broken sentences. short.

a friend told me he too wasn't ready. ready for what i asked? ready to be with one person for the rest of my life he told me. i asked how that made sense? basically telling me that he is in love but there might be something better one day that might come along? he replied with a " ya i know it sounds stupid, but it's the way men think. it's backwards. we basically need a mother figure that will put up with our shit and tell us what we need." all this still didn't make sense. how can people live thinking then can tell the future? there will be something better? that they will hurt their partner? the only thing we do know is that we will die. and if we wait for something better, the best thing in life will pass us by. I asked him how that whole "non committal/not ready " thing worked out for him. he told me he regretted it.

can't make anyone ready. i know. i get a slice of heaven. rare pieces of what my life could be. don't want much in life. simple and honest love will suffice. but i only get a slice, a moment, a minute. never the dream. never the whole pie. just enough to get me salivating for more and keep craving it. have to sleep. try to. nothing makes sense to me. my mind is washed away with Novocaine. i was "the one". the best thing. i must have not been good enough. enough to want me. not famous enough. not an actress. a model. not even successful. i can see why when a man has the whole world of young girls to choose from, why i would be just "the good woman". "the wonderful person". but nothing spectacular. just a nice cooked meal, shelter, coffee and some sex while on the road. nothing more. nothing less. perhaps just a rebound from that Brazilian stripper. at the end of the day it doesn't matter. i was not the one apparently to him. sadly, it wasn't the same for me. it's always "sadly". for me anyway. the doormat. the no one. the one that enters their life, is welcomed, treated like a queen and then for no reason asked to leave. i should have better manners when shown the door. not knock again. just try to find my way home. confused. abandoned. alone.

i keep reliving that weekend in my mind. like a broken record. tired. monotone. stoned in the heart. heavy. empty. and always alone. it was such a warm fire. such a perfect embrace. two reunited butterflies fluttering on the same air.

delete.

the sting is like vodka on an open heart.

shock.