silent

everyday.


there is a pain in me that knows the truth. knows that i am not good enough, cool enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, young enough to keep your interest. sure i am good enough as a person, as a wife/lover/best friend; but i have this feeling that my skills in the kitchen aren't enough to keep you interested when there are others that are pursuing you and it all comes too easy. with so much inventory to chose from why would you ever want me?

some days i am strong and i fuck it all off. stand up for myself and put my blinders on. other days, days such as these, forgive me that you have to read more of my tears, i collapse. my chest caves in and i can't seem to turn it off. wishing i were the center of his universe. knowing i am not.

i wish i could find that strength to let him go. stop with the excuses i make for him. i try hard to be strong, to find the emergency exit. tell myself even though he calls me it means nothing to him, just having his cake and eating it too. he probably calls other girls as well. im a faint beep on his radar, a ghost that walks from room to room at night at times at best. a pit stop for those nights filled with guilt and shame.

i've collapsed. a delayed collapse. i was waiting when it would come...mentally i am water. so capable of doing anything i want. yet unable to take steps. frozen in one spot.hardly getting through it all. i want to find the emergency cord and pull it before i hit the ground.

i suppose its nature acting upon me. my body telling me that it has had enough of players and thrill seekers. enough of men knocking at my door perhaps for the rest of my life. why even think of them when their issues at hand are never resolved, are always in the way of flowing through life with easy and love?

they say that once a brain surgeon cuts through the skull, they can do anything they want to the brain and it will not feel a thing. not one nerve ending. yet, why does the brain inflict so much pain?

i want a big eraser to wipe my past away. never hear from it again. never think of it again. never see the mental images that i have in my head haunting me almost every night....

i don't even wan to write. thought it would help if i did. some release. i can't talk to my friends because they find it entertaining to gossip about my emotions. my family would use everything against me. so i have this... a place where no one will bother me. read it or not. like it or not. i will never know. i will never care.

fuck. i never asked for any of this. never. i had my blinders on... you came along and pulled them off and showed me a different world i believed in.

fuck you life. too cruel.