"reality" of nothingness

there is no such thing is there?
"reality" should always be in quotation. everyone has a different one. Driven by addictions and vices and uncontrolled emotions that blind us from the truth and take away facts, logic, reason... all thrown to the wind.

i sit here in my mind. tears sloshing around like a great ocean inside my head. my "reality" being that i have no rose colored glasses. they were taken away from me. ripped out of my hand instead to be handed nothing. each brick of my being is taken away from my house, one by one. i stand naked and cold, waiting, knowing there isn't a blanket to cover me in this empty universe that i am forced to travel alone.  "reality" has been harsh on me... it isn't easier as of yet. perhaps one day i might catch a break. perhaps one day there will be a man that would lay his life down for me and be my forever best friend. perhaps one day he will accept me and my past and all i come with and see it as the most beautiful thing in the world. perhaps we can save each other and do beautiful things together. my "reality" is very lonely , a strange sadness always followed my hardest attempts at happiness. Oh so close every time, but i fall short of whatever it was that made my world spin with happiness. Almost. An Almost life. She was almost happy, she was almost successful, she was almost loved... almost is an optimistic word. The "reality" of almost is this: She was never loved, she was never successful, she was never happy, she could have had it all but she just didn't. Others got her scarifies. Others benefited from all her investments. Yes, she fought hard to show a man what true love really meant just so he could understand, leave her and find a wonderful life with another younger one.

reality is that there is a burning pain in my chest and it won't go away. all the bullshit writing i do here seem to take it away for a brief amount of time. a mental band aid so that i don't burden those around me with all the things i feel and want to say. "reality" is no one wants to listen to what i have to say, or how i feel. People make their own decisions in life and move on. Move on without me. time doesn't care, it goes on like a train into the night not stopping. Sometimes i think that in a past life i must have been a really terrible person. A truly terrible person. A manipulative liar that took and took and took from everyone and never gave back. A selfish, egoistic two faced fuck up that had no respect for life. Ya, i must have done something wrong to see things written on the wallas plain as day and receive no mercy in the form of ignorance or stupidity. Perhaps i am stupid and need divine intervention in the form of a brain? perhaps i have it all wrong. i probably do and that is why i sit here think  of cappuccino's and cry.

mercy. please... mercy.

Band-aid

Instead of fighting for reasonable work hours we get excited about fast food and microwaves that will allow us to work longer hours so that we become dependent on the system.

Instead of supporting local farms and organic foods we donate money for the cure for cancer.

Instead of exercising we buy diet pills.

Instead of facing our fears in love and life we become whores to feel loved for a short while; slut ourselves out. later to keep those relationships founded on toxic needs in our "friendship drawer" to pull out for an occasional "pick me up". like a secret stash of booze that the alcoholic keeps for the weak moments. Like that "one final drag" of a cigarette that will start awaken our addiction once more.

Instead of fighting for what is right we find excuses for all that we do that is wrong.

Band-aids prevent air from getting to the wound. Prevent a scab to form. Make the healing process longer. They make wounds more obvious. Yes, we know you are wearing a band-aid, we will ask what happened, and you will get attention.

Earth to .... Earth to.... Hello? anyone there?

It's so amazing to me that the same people that think to watch such documentaries are the same people that contribute to the brutality of the further spiral of mankind into shit. On so many levels. Yes, man is nothing more than a cancer spreading through and through. it's not getting better. it's all getting worse.  I love how people that to put band aids on problems instead of hitting the root of the problem. Let's find a cure for cancer instead of going after the companies that cause it. Let's save earth! Let's make a movie that will leave people shocked for about an hour or at most a day! Yes, and then they can go back to being players, lairs, being selfish fucks that destroy everything good in their personal lives, in their mirco universe that they have filled with toxic relationships, drugs, alcohol, vices and shit of all sorts, dysfunctional behavior, gluttony, lust, ... fuck need i go on? Why do we do this in our little mirco cosmic play land? Oh because we are spoiled fucks, greedy degenerate pieces of shit that want more and more all for the sole purpose of feel good and being "happy". that is the bottom line isn't it? WE ALL WANT TO FEEL GOOD AT ANY EXPENSE. It's all about getting our dose of feel good ego stroking. In politics, in our careers, in our family life, in our realtionships.... it's all about ME, ME , ME muther fucking ME. The more we get, the more we want. 1 million isn't enough anymore, you need to make more millions. One beautiful girlfriend with an amazing heart and a brain isn't enough, we want more girls to tell us how wonderful we are. One loving man that would lay down his existence for his family isn't good enough because there must be something better since you got that so easily. NOTHING is ever good enough for most the population. Soooooooooooooo .......

How can any man or woman make the "connection" when most can't even treat those around them with dignity and respect? Mankind gets something wonderful, be it love, a birth of a child, a wife, a husband, they couldbe blessed beyond their wildest dreams and 50% of the time they will get board of it and want a "new toy". Man has become spoiled in an area where no one really has to work for anything. Our grandparents slaved in jobs without computers, without so many things that make us the lazy fucks that we are today, and they knew the worth of a human soul more so than we do now. they didn't have mass farms of destruction, they didn't grow up on GMO, they had fresher air and water, they stayed married for life and raised a family and were happier than we are today..... the more we have the more desensitized we have become.

So make these fucking movies... but they will only be a flicker in the mind of an average "civilized" earthling. they need their cars, they need their fast food and don't react until someone like Hitler threatens them. It's always comes down to fear. When man fears for HIS life then he will do something. Not when lakes are filled with mercury or when babies are dying of cancer at crazy rates. NO, it doesn't affect him directly. Not until he can't get his dick up anymore to jerk off will he have a say. Not until he is left alone and has been taken advantage of will be understand all the love and beauty he had.

Self destruction and greed is what mankind is about. Those that truly love, do as they say and show a moral backbone of tolerance and grace, that strive for purity, and want change are just martyrs  that are laughed at. ya... man can't treat women with dignity and love, you think they will give a fuck about earth? man can't treat a tree with respect and you think he will treat a child with respect? 

Real love, compassion, loyalty, devotion, purity, is all a threat. We fill our little world with toxic relationships and push the good ones out of our lives. Quality over quantity wins all the time in the spiritual war. In the materialistic war, well... there mankind strives for quality of course. Man wants the better career, the better car, house, etc. And in their love life most want more hot younger girls. that's the dream right? we say we want beautiful love, a fulfilled life with a devoted best friend till death, we want to save the world ... but we chose shit over and over and over again and blame it on our fears and insecurities and that we don't have enough willpower to do what is right. But we will spend the extra 10k on that better car, or the extra 300- for a nice fuck around behind your partners back with the little number they picked up at the club, or the extra time to flirt with the coworker that pays extra attention to us instead of giving those hours to their children or spouse that makes those amazing diners and tries to be the best at everything, or try to save those extra two dollars on cheap meat that destroys our world and pumps your with cancer instead of spending 5 bucks more and getting it from a local farmer... etc. the list goes on. It's all exhausting.

Frustrations speaks from me, we are blessed to have some that give a damn. There are few out there that do. I guess what hurts most is that we have all this ability to change everything around us, but we can't seem to find our way in this lost world because of the excuses we make for ourselves. Raised with false dreams of popularity, wealth, fame, success and other things unrealistic. When we don't get it, we become like little children with temper tantrums, not thinking, not feeling, just trying to find the next fix, the thing that will pacify us. It's because we feel powerless, weak, inferior and because we are. We fail at reality. We fail at truth when it is our only hope that can set us free.  It takes so much more energy to love and maintain something valuable, to nurture it, to commit and watch that beautiful thing grow and develop, then it is to have a one night stand. cheap and easy. cheap and easy often enough and we have become nothing more than parasites. Parasites is what we have "evolved" to.  Perhaps it's mother natures way of detoxing herself from us. To make earthlings self destructive so that she might live another day without our disgusting ways. While every person might have a good side, might have that amazing personality, the talent, the things that everyone loves about them, and the "good person" repertoire, at the end of the day most subscribe to the system of "cheap and easy". They won't eat at fast food shacks and buy organic, but they lie to those that love them most. They preach at a church and inspire people to live better lives while they cheat on their wife.... on and on.

A dizzy maze of shit is what man chooses. Rather then simple and straight, the path must be more exciting and thrilling when it is dark and twisted. We cut ourselves just to feel alive rather than breathing deep breaths and being thankful that we are. Everything is hypocritical, everything is a dichotomy, everything could be different and no matter how much love i pump out, it's never good enough for those around me. Movies like this seem pointless to me? Maybe they will change one mind? It drives me as insane as seeing labels for ORGANIC food. Just 50 years ago it use to be call "food".  A man was proud to work his whole life in a single place of employment. He had pride in all the time he spent building something he worked his life for. He was proud of the family he gave birth to and nurtured, the home he worked for, he appreciated the love that he got back for the invested time and energy he spent pouring his soul into. Times have changed. Everything is cheap. Words have no meaning anymore. Money rules all.  Pleasures of any type are cheap and instant. As the dollar falls so do we.

More, more, more... one day more will run out. One day we will wake up with no one that loves us. With no fresh air to breath. With no clear water to drink. We will wake up to children crying on the streets without shoes. Many already do. We will wake up without a soul. Like a heroine addict that got locked in a room without a key... we need to go through detox. Go back to simple... go back to humble. Understand grace and all the teachings of those wise men and women before us. Stop with all the fake relationships for selfish reasons. stop filling our lives with worthless shit in vast amounts.

JUST STOP... stop with the 3d and more on to the 4d.
enough is enough.

All the same