why the universe made a gap out of my life. an empty void of cosmic white noise. I was too small for the universe to notice. I was the one helping the old woman collect the spilled content of her purse off the ground and missed my train. perhaps it's karma? What have i done so wrong to deserve being unwanted my whole life? is there such a thing? it's said that the devil rocks the cradle of those with the darkest hearts so they might sleep comfortably at night. Should i start to be a lesser person so that i too might sleep better at night and just become a Faust? is that why i get the short end of the stick? The one that is so well put together and yet watches as, forgive me i am not directly comparing here, idiots live happy lives in their homes, with their children, their smiles on their faces, their husbands and wives, their money and parties, their vanity, greed, stupidity . All blanketed in a warm bubble of ignorance and bliss. I don't envy them. I just envy that they are happy with the stupid and shallow shit that they have. Stroking their own ego is enough for them, showing off, taking a million pictures of themselves, being douche bags, living a life so shallow, pretentious, letting on they are wise and mature while they live off a trust fund mom and dad left them, loving their popularity (1000+ friends on waste book), getting all the boys, getting all the girls, and everyone loving the shit that they live in. I don't understand? I DON"T FUCKING understand how it's possible? why it works that way? Why can't i find happiness in those stupid things? Why is it these carbon copies love their lives and seem to get everything? While there are single mothers out there that work their asses off, select things in life that will be for the better of the world and their child, love unconditionally, devote themselves to people they allow in their carefully selected life after getting kicked in the ass time and time again by men, that have a mature disposition on life, that no longer seek cheap thrills and popularity, are intuitive, educated, connoisseurs of the better, slower, more passionate and more unique things in life . Why do these people suffer? Is the whole world plagued with the spoils of Hollywood? brainwashed into oblivion? everyone wants to be famous, a model, a rock star an actor. Even if they are educated, have their PHD, they carry on as if 18 still. It's not just some teen dream anymore, it's all carried on into their 20's 30's and 40's +. These pathetic that crave black holes of attention, their aspirations of being super stars and pretending they are living the life of one never seems to stop. The room spins around me when i think of it. It's like high school never ended. No matter how old the person is. In fact the older the more fucked up. They just get better at pretending they are wise,that they have lived to see it all because they tried it all, and still play the game of shit. later on just drinking more in between their dry streaks of reality. Funny i should say that, my reality is one dry streak, one empty hall way where i sit and talk to myself like an old woman gone crazy. I cannot fix people. i don't aim to. I'm stuck in an over populated world where i cannot find a single soul that i would want to want me back. Am i bitter? yes. Angry? sure. Im positive to many these words sound "wah wah wah" more emo bullshit... to those that are happy in their bubble of what they think is real. I can hear it in their heads now, as i have before, " like omg, they don't see all the beauty around them! like just look you are not starving, like it could be sooooooo much worse you know, i don't know, you know? like it could be that you are fat and ugly, but like you aren't ". maybe one day when i want half of the world population to go jump off a bridge I'll write a book about bits of my life. so that the masses can see through the eyes of someone they completely would never understand, wouldn't want to, or do understand but would never want to live a life without their vices of ego stroking ( whatever that might be) and bubble that they call their reality. It's true, i am not starving, i don't have cancer, but to live life and try to find happiness because my life isn't threatened is no way to be happy for me. I can't trick my mind like that. i guess i am a purist in all things. i want to be happy because i am in love with a person that loves me back. Not try to find happiness in being alone because i am not dying of caner. People try to cheer me up by telling me that there are so many people out there, a sea, o whole fucking sea of men, all there waiting to love me, adore me, give me their love on bended knee. I want to punch them. I will not speed date the sea of penis. My father said it best i think while trying to comfort me in my tears and emptiness. He said, " I know how hard it is to find a good man these days. It's not like it use to be. I see this. I know it hurts". He is a non symbiotic male realist angry at the world, has his own issues and flaws as we all do, but there is no false bone to him. no fake cheerleader section...just the post world war two mentality that seems to live by the mantra "it is a great risk to be born not to die". Some are just meant to suffer in the shallow crap of the world that they have been "blessed" into. All i know is that i know nothing. The more i live, the less i understand it seems.
Just want one thing in this short life. This very short life that can end at any minute. Love. i wish you could see the hot tears that stream down as i write that word. I wish you could feel my chest cave in. It's so rare to me. so valuable. Unconditional Love.
I send out yet another message in a bottle. another SOS
Just a castaway
An island lost at sea
Another lonely day
With no one here but me
More loneliness
Than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle
A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life
But love can break your heart
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle
Walked out this morning
Don't believe what I saw
A hundred billion bottles
Washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone at being alone
A hundred billion castaways
Looking for a home
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle
Sending out an SOS
- Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner
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