Control

I think i've figured it out. My long drive today of 6 hours, the woman that spoke of things that were powerful and right today, the beautiful boy that introduced himself to me last night, the light i saw today, the way it all melted into one single moment of reality.

This is it, the bottom line. I'ts not me, never has been, I am beautiful, yet flawed, striking in character and looks, talented beyond any reason of a doubt, intelligent, unlike any other creature, unique in ways that most don't even think possible. By no means perfect, but yes, extraordinary, rare. They why.. why...

It's always simple. the truth is always simple. the answer came to me in two words; Maturity and control. Unfortunately, many relationships end up on the rocks after a certain change occurs; Maturity.  I seem to attract men that don't understand what a mature realtionship consists of. The moment that a realtionship starts to function as ONE, one bed, email account, FB account, bank statement, etc. As a mature progression begins, an inevitable progression, the war begins for control. Maturity is demanding, demanding of equality, justice for both parties that are now merging into one. But instead of embracing this oneness, it seems that my male counter parts are running the other direction. Instead of seeing the beauty of knowing someone so completely, swimming with their demons and their angels, they see this as something threatening and run the other way. Typically to a younger girl, by at least 5-10 years, one that doesn't displace maturity,One that is ignorant,  one that doesn't know their dark side and would never love them for who they really are if they knew the whole truth. They run to the little girls that will believe anything they tell them, anything they create about themselves,  because they get to CONTROL the entire situation. whereas; they saw me as controlling, demanding, because i knew who they were and wanted to control our lives together. They would have to give up control in a mature realtionship, part of it and channel it into a different form of controlling life. Decisions would be made by both of us, things in life determined by two living as one. Instead of seeing this as beautiful, as a journey of fulfillment and trust, of letting go of all the things that they once manipulated, of trusting someone else other than themselves with their heart and mind, these men see me as the one that wants to order them around, take their life and freedom away from them, take their mask away that they have been fooling everyone with leaving them exposed and vulnerable. Reality instead of the constant onslaught of lies. They would be stripped away of the alter ego they have created, they wouldn't be able to hide behind the fake image created sooth them in their insecure reality. Fear of loosing the control. Fear of people finding out the truth, fear of confronting themselves and who they have really become. So they run to these little girls where they are the puppet masters in control of the stage. They have a controlled world that they created, one where they are the good guy, intelligent, all knowing, helpful with insight to man troubles for these naive children that take the bait, the hero, the star in their world where being happy comes easy because no one demands the truth from them. No one taking their world away from them, no one wants to share it, no one wants to invade it. This is their security blanket that doesn't allow them to mature as human beings. Life without it   would be the mature realtionship, a compromise of two worlds, a knew journey tot he next stage in life; adulthood.

Control to a man is so important. I guess it takes a very secure man to give of his life and show a woman his true side, his deepest and darkest. Then to say to his chosen partner, " this is who i am.  do you love me for who i am? will you spend your life with me even though i am not perfect, even though i have shared things about myself that most don't know, even though i have exposed myself and all i have done and what to do in the future". It takes a truly brave man to have lived a life less angelic and to ask for a woman to take his whole being as is, open book, and love him. It takes courage to face who you are and share it with the one you love. Fear of judgment and fear of giving up and letting go of the control is left behind forever. To give up the show, the fake mask they've been wearing. To finally know what it means to be free, to live the life they've always talked about but has been so frightened to taste. He doesn't know why he can't give up the show. He says he doesn't know why he is the way that he is, or that he doesn't know who he is. It all starts with the realization that he has been living life in fear. Fear of facing the scars that they become them in a life where they felt out of control and the pain that incurred because of it. Fear of losing control to the point where every woman they meet is lied to. She doesn't know about the others they date, talk to, sleep with. None of these girls have a clue. everything is controlled in this micro environment that has become a sadly unrealistic reality that hurts them and everyone involved.In this world everyone might like them, adore them, fall in love with them. Yes, but it's not who they really are, so before things get too real, they  exit and move on to the next dream world they created, and the next,  burying who they are and want to be in the process of lying to others. In doing so they hurt themselves the most.  It would be the mature thing to do... to let go of this fear driven control show. They could have your life back for the first time.

They've dug themselves a hole they can't seem to get out of. Sometimes so close, so close to telling that "one" that they want to be with her. that they want her forever... so close but the fear of losing the control is always there in the back of their heads. The doubt is always in the back of the mind haunting them, threatening them because they haven't let go. fear of sharing the most intimate things in their life, fear of being criticized for being human and being close for the first time. Fear in seeing the truth in all this; in order to have control in life, real control in life over your actions and not ever doubt who you are and that you are capable of, you have to give up the creepy side show that you've spent your teen years and twenties building. At first is was all good fun, the boy with the most girls, the natural experimentation of youth and sex. Some never make it out if they build their reality on running from their past pain, creating this world where they get to call the shots.  But everyone grows up eventually? In one way or another? They have to mature from that childish reality and into the new one where they can be seen as beautiful men when  honest, vulnerable, and humble. The whole world will give them want they want if they just stopped denying who they are. Only then will they finally  find themselves. Only then will they finally see that they have control over the things they felt had control over them.

I wish they would give up the false sense of control... exchange it for the real thing and find most powerful man in the world through their words of honesty and love.

The truth will always set you free.