The Funeral and The Birth

I don't know which came first. Was it the funeral or the birth inside my heart that touched the finish line first. Was it a tie? Inside the four chambers that pump life to my sense, I have clarity on the notion that came to be my sweet present torment.

The funeral was a struggle of flesh and mental fiber being stretched to their limits with mourning, grief, and the image that i wanted us to be. Realizing those were lies, none existent illusions in blankets of thick fog that i longed for and never received, I felt it begin to lower into the cold earth. A life that was nothing more than a hidden two faced secret stashed away from my sight for years. My grieving demised when the realization of betrayal rocked the deception i was choreographed into. Clear and bright red, like thick blood, it screamed in violent decibels for a moment and then was no longer. It evaporated into the universe, into hell, into a black hole where it has detached from my core. It's been replaced instantly. An exchange; the funeral for the birth. The evil that tortured me for so long with vindictive lies was over taken with one touch from you. Like the cry of a new born baby passing through the birth canal, bloodied and brilliantly there in all glory and truth.


The birth was so natural. The new screams and cries so vivid in my heart. It took all he had poisoned me with and awakened my four chambers with a new blood, a fountain of light that I have not know. I never believed in heaven until I listened to your words, your soothing yet raspy voice, and your breath softly falling down my neck. You filled me with you. Swim through my veins as my heart pumps your sails, pushes you though my every desire and need that you can conquer. You are a blood donor, I cannot separate yours from my own. You are forever in me and I cannot let it go. I don't want to... I need it to live. I need you like truth.You are the truth in this sick and twist reality that was created for us. The stage set with disgusting and vile swamps of harsh reality, and we the players. Romeo and Juliet had it easier, they got to die for one another, unknowingly. Here we stand, all knowing of our past, our present, our inability to stay away from one another, and yet to fight the oddity of the exchange. It's shocking that the instant one lover died in my heart, that you should be born into that cavity that very same moment. Is this yet another lie? A dream within a dream? A play within a play? Indeed it is too good to be true? Surreal and sick at the same time. Can there be such harsh truth that one refuses to believe it? Something so completely explosive that takes over mind, body and soul? Or is this only what movie scripts are made of? Perhaps, but only a fool would not explore the vast oceans of passion, complete love, insane intoxication, due to the whispers from fields of pessimists that surround.

Do not leave me here alone too long, the cold is chilling. Why fight it? Why stay away? Why only visit in our dreams when it is there tangible and ready to ride? "They" say when you die and see the white light you experience fear and with each closer step you begin to realize that this is something beautiful, honest, and bigger than us. Let's die in this birth and follow the majestic rays of light that fall upon us. Let's be born again.

Wake up. wake up. I lay here isolated from you by a pane of glass.

Oranges

Oranges are a metaphor for life. Its delicious, but is it worth getting ur hands sticky?

I peel my own oranges and enjoy every bite. I lick my finger tips and let the juice drip down my lips. Join me... U can lick the juice off my lips, off my finger tips. You can get sweet and sticky. Drenched with juice that deserves to be drank by those that crave to live life.

My Sentiments on Slow

Slow is the kiss that hovers above my lips
Slow is the tree that grows it's branches
Slow are the wise to react in situations
Slow is love that nurtures each detail
Slow is the time that passes without you here
Slow is the patience that is learned

All I Wanted

All I want is some warmth
Your voice to shower my senses each night before bed

All I want is to hold you while you make breakfast
to wrap my hands around your waist,
tuck my head between your shoulder blades,
kiss your bare back

All I want is to weave my cold feet into yours at night
to lightly travel the contour of your chest and receive a response
a light touch, a kiss, a whisper

All I want is to swim in the ocean with you
lose ourselves there in the blue monster
silent yet roaring, together warm lips entangled

All I want is to make love to you under the stars
Smell your sweet scent mixed with the air
Feel you move inside of me

All I want is to talk about life's mysteries
into the late hours of the night
holding your naked body against mine
Embrace each word your perfect voice speaks

All I want is to live life fair with you
Daily chores would be sweeter
knowing we are halves of a whole
knowing you are not a leech
but a lover that gives waves of love
crashing into each corner of life

All i want is trust
To hang on your every motion like a child
Believe in all you do and say
Mathematically thought out and logical
completely intoxicating

All i want is your heart
your soul to finally give in
to believe that this is something bigger than us
this was meant to be
the path is so clear, so vivid, so honest
you can't deny this flood
it has swallowed us

All I want is you

re: ex vi termini

I walk through this dream called life
I stumbled on your words
Words that bind and feed the soul
they have fed mine
they have nurtured me with hope
they have given me the will to live
in all dark days and nights
your words are a heart beat
thump thump thump on the pages of existence

The peace i imagine in lost lands covered with white blankets
it's because of you
The silence that my mind goes to is through a solace connection on black pages
here we exist, in our own realm, in our own world with no time to intrude
i can lose myself, i can find myself
as i stumble over your words
thump thump thump

most certainly no olives

My quiet conversation with you unknowning

life is too short to wake up with regrets.
so it is, you are right. we have to move on from this venom.

So love the people who treat you right.
I cherish those that love with honor and respect. I will look at that which i have and not that which i do not have.


Forgive the ones who don't just because you can.
I hope you do. I did, it makes you the bigger person to bestow that mercy on those that perhaps don't even deserve it.

Believe everything happens for a reason.
I do. Otherwise there would be no point to this life? Perhaps i carried this burden of knowing for such a long time so her true colors could show. Perhaps it was all for you.

If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
I hope you do. You have a clean slate to start from. never look back. you are beautiful, you are honest, you are raw. Never be something someone else tells you to be. You are a free man.

If it changes your life, let it.
I will try to let it. it's hard, again you are so much stronger. i know i try to hang on to things that are no longer. the wounds are too fresh. maybe one day soon we will meet and talk about the person we discovered within.


Take a few minutes to think before you act when you're mad.
trying to. my pain still takes control at times. peace is something i have to work on. but my situation is very different than yours.


Forgive quickly.
But don't be naive. Forgive but don't forget. let it build your wisdom and build your demands and character.

God never said life would be easy, He just promised it would be worth it.
I hope you are right. For my sake and yours.

For: J

The moment i saw you sitting in your car as i pulled up, i knew. i knew you would wrap you arms around me and hold me longer than most normal embraces. this embrace was filled with a crazy mixture of pain, sorrow, lust, compassion and love. it had a control violence to it. you held me so tight my ribs changed shape, you were crushing me into you. i didn't want you to let me go. how long has it been since a man has held me like this? i felt wanted for the first time in a long time. we were a mirror image of one another. clones with the same fury, passion, and pain racing through each vein. your blood ran much warmer than mine. mine still cool from shock and fear of what was going to happen. i could feel you breathing me in, i inhaled your scent too. faint smell of cigarettes and salt from your sweat...it was nice to smell skin so close again. it destroyed me to realize how long I've missed that warmth. the way you held and kissed my hand on the drive to what would be a demonic confessional brings tears to my eyes.

With all that was happening around us that night; the torture of the words that oozed in vile rivers from their lost lips, I felt your presence around me, protecting me, standing beside me, never letting me out of your sight. At times a bit rough, a bit forceful, but i liked it. i liked the feeling of a man taking control of me for my own sake, for my protection. Even they saw it. I was smiling inside that they did. You took me from there, you didn't let me go home with their love professed vows being the last corrosive memory killing me on my drive home. you were perfect. so perfect. a knight in some well scripted fairytale. you were so much stronger than i was. i envied you then as i envy you now. you're resilience is astounding.

i keep coming back to the memory of your salty lips as i try to find solace, rest, some sleep perhaps. the heat of them brushing against mine through our tears, violence, pain sends my heart racing at the thought, even the hair on my arms rise. every emotion i have ever felt in my life, i felt with you there in that moment. i've experienced passion before, i faintly remember, but this was nothing of the sort. we were saving ourselves, our souls, our essence...we should have melted into each other, consumed one another and faded away into the universe never to come back. magically crumble into a billion pieces, float into the night and walk among the stars in real love and peace. the moment was beyond anything physical, it was surreal. why are we still here?

i needed more saving than you did. i know that. i wanted to hide in that area below your clavicle and next to your heart. shrink and reside inside of your warmth until i could stand on my own two shaking legs. i wanted you to take me.

the song ended, so did that night and your warm arms. you're forever part of my soul, you saved my life with all that you are. i keep revisiting those moments as i grieve, struggle, and try to breathe with each day proving to be a battle field. it gets me through the panic attacks, the tears, the darkness. i can't forget you, you're mine forever.

the truth shall prevail, even if we can't see it.

love,
v

Boomerang

It will all boomerang back you
Life will affirm this
You will be alone in your deception
How do you sleep?

Good

"You're too good. That's the problem."