For: J

The moment i saw you sitting in your car as i pulled up, i knew. i knew you would wrap you arms around me and hold me longer than most normal embraces. this embrace was filled with a crazy mixture of pain, sorrow, lust, compassion and love. it had a control violence to it. you held me so tight my ribs changed shape, you were crushing me into you. i didn't want you to let me go. how long has it been since a man has held me like this? i felt wanted for the first time in a long time. we were a mirror image of one another. clones with the same fury, passion, and pain racing through each vein. your blood ran much warmer than mine. mine still cool from shock and fear of what was going to happen. i could feel you breathing me in, i inhaled your scent too. faint smell of cigarettes and salt from your sweat...it was nice to smell skin so close again. it destroyed me to realize how long I've missed that warmth. the way you held and kissed my hand on the drive to what would be a demonic confessional brings tears to my eyes.

With all that was happening around us that night; the torture of the words that oozed in vile rivers from their lost lips, I felt your presence around me, protecting me, standing beside me, never letting me out of your sight. At times a bit rough, a bit forceful, but i liked it. i liked the feeling of a man taking control of me for my own sake, for my protection. Even they saw it. I was smiling inside that they did. You took me from there, you didn't let me go home with their love professed vows being the last corrosive memory killing me on my drive home. you were perfect. so perfect. a knight in some well scripted fairytale. you were so much stronger than i was. i envied you then as i envy you now. you're resilience is astounding.

i keep coming back to the memory of your salty lips as i try to find solace, rest, some sleep perhaps. the heat of them brushing against mine through our tears, violence, pain sends my heart racing at the thought, even the hair on my arms rise. every emotion i have ever felt in my life, i felt with you there in that moment. i've experienced passion before, i faintly remember, but this was nothing of the sort. we were saving ourselves, our souls, our essence...we should have melted into each other, consumed one another and faded away into the universe never to come back. magically crumble into a billion pieces, float into the night and walk among the stars in real love and peace. the moment was beyond anything physical, it was surreal. why are we still here?

i needed more saving than you did. i know that. i wanted to hide in that area below your clavicle and next to your heart. shrink and reside inside of your warmth until i could stand on my own two shaking legs. i wanted you to take me.

the song ended, so did that night and your warm arms. you're forever part of my soul, you saved my life with all that you are. i keep revisiting those moments as i grieve, struggle, and try to breathe with each day proving to be a battle field. it gets me through the panic attacks, the tears, the darkness. i can't forget you, you're mine forever.

the truth shall prevail, even if we can't see it.

love,
v