Stretching

deliberately elongating my mind into realms of emotions that are new to me. bending past things that are certainly unrealistic to most. that are insane by "standards". but really does the soul care about standards of pathetic mankind when there are other factors at play. energy that penetrates our gray matter and places us where we ought to thrive instead of where we wanted to be as children proclaiming suicidal standards into rhetorical blasphemy of "when i grow up". IF we didn't know our age, how old would we be? If we didn't seek conformation where would our hearts beat? If we didn't enjoy the thrill of pain so much how many of us would reach nirvana?

It hasn't worked. none of it. not in my life, not so far. the constant search for stability has proven futile and a waste of precious time. The obsession to seek the norm and try to fit-in reeks of idiotic philosophers and scared people. I have changed my style of writing, i have exchanged the volatile nervousness and over exaggerated passions for peace and freedom; For a soothing passionate emotion evoked by love that i cannot write about nor speak about. i wouldn't be able to do it justice. As it is hard to walk when one is in a coma or paralyzed, it is just as difficult to explain a connection that is so overwhelming that i can't process it as a whole. everything is as congested as the 101 at 4:45pm. I can only sit there in my car and accept that i will not be moving for hours down the veins of the universe.

For the most part i believe that the universe doesn't care about us as carbon life form. It will be here with or without us. Sometimes though something happens to particular pieces of carbon. they bond with an energy that is not created with themselves, it's created outside of their ability to understand, beyond Hawkins ability to understand. A freak of nature happenstance that allows these two carbon based creatures to explore something that they would not be able to find without one another. it's as if for some reason the universe invited them to it's party in the sky, to become part of it's infinity. to reach nirvana and explode into a million particles. can love feel like this? can we ever fully understand it in terms that are foreign to us? can we accept it as we accept involuntary muscle groups pumping life through our veins?

I've been bending my mind through hoops of pointless emotional fire. I am sick of it and can no longer deal with the pointless bullshit. stretching: is the only way i can explain miniscule portion of the evolution that has taken place in such a short period of time. i miss you. You are my home. it feels unnatural to be away from you.

Cadeau

Let me present you with a gift
one that has no emotions left to sift
through
flour perfect and white it sits waiting for a touch
knowing that the indentation left will produce such
an emotion
with your finger print leaving wakes in my bones
this power you've given me is stronger than stones
throne
which you have placed my heart upon longs for equality
the truth in action which builds castles of stability
flowing
through peace with respect in our veins
no two faced agendas causing the other pains
aching
run deep through our wounds healing
and burning the past that i have stopped feeling
sadness
as at times seeing you have ignored my written presence
publicly looked over my virtual essence
confined
to a bottle in the middle of a duet of solitude
to remain strong within myself i have changed my soul attitude

this is my cadeau
my gift to you