I can't stand those that say "life is what you make of it". It's simply not true and it's about as irritating to me as " dream big and shoot for the stars". Seemingly the majority of the population, particularly here in the U.S. share these sentiments, so i hear. Life is more about adapting to what the winds and waters throw at you. Let's be "realistic", we have all dreamed big and we would all like to think that we are the captains of our destiny, if there is such a thing. I think the harsh truth is that we are all boats out at sea, some with sails set high and ready for anything that mother nature might curse us with, some that don't care where the tides take them and drift aimlessly, and for the majority of the population there is the mixture of the two. Just boats out at sea, some are better equipped than others, some are faster, slower, weaker, stronger. You get it.
We as animals have so little control as to what we make of our lives. Sure we like to think that we can get a better education and make more money, build a better life with better things and faster download speeds. But life in the purest form is made up of connection for our self-centered species. The materialism, greedy and power lust that is all wrapped up in a warm egocentric blanket takes second as well. Connection, what we like to call love, is something that we cannot control and yet controls us totally. This hell that has been coded into our DNA since the existence of time. Our never ending need and desperation for something that is so far above our heads that most cannot and will never understand the structure of the emotion of "LOVE". Therefore; it is watered down to the physical sense and becomes nothing more than confusion of "love" and sex. Not to mention the confused tangle the two so completely and manage to weave a rope of egoism through the two and blame their ignorance on "destiny". "let's agree to disagree" and "it wasn't meant to be", but it started out so great and it always does.
The ocean waters just toss us around while we try to cling to whatever it is we have. So here i am, clinging yet at the same time tired and restless. You see, i know what love is. I like to think i do at least, this doesn't go to say that i can execute it with perfection. I'm dealing with 30 foot waves at the moment and my rage is trying to take on the waves rather than facing "reality" and allowing them to swallow me completely and get me out of this Hell. Drowning though is not the option i can take at this point in life, although in the back of my head, an Ophelian tide sweeps through me. Wouldn't it be nice if i could just turn it off? The connection i mean. To be happy never feeling again. To drift through life as a rock, this time not tossed by Neptune's wild horses, but stamped into one place at the bottom of some ocean floor. I am a rock, i am island... so the song goes.
What could be so bad with finding your lover in her arms? what could be so wrong with reading her words written to him, and his tender responses back. The same words he once wrote me drenched with flirtation and lust are now written to her. And this wave crashes against me and takes everything i had and washes it off deck. I know what love is; it's trusting that he is really at work and making a warm decadent dinner daily. Waiting for his return, his attention, building him a house and making it a home, getting so sucked into living for him that i forget of my own existence. Wait, i know what love is, i do? Another wave hits my bow and i long for defeat. The lies bombard me one after another. Does he really think i am that stupid? my heart races out of my chest. The excuses are for the ignorant and that i am not. I am just a tiny yacht fighting to stay afloat with not control over these seas. For him to take and take and take some more and never give back but to withdraw. Not even putting up a flight? No confession? Just an abandoned home of what was once a life built together. I fight with passion, rage and blood streaming down my face instead of tears...i am a shadow boxer. I am a deserted ship with the words "quantum fiducia fide honoris" written at the bow.
I look around and all i can see is water. Miles and miles. I don't know what is worse. the white room with no exit or this? This is what Hell is. It's knowing there is no way out with loneliness triggering our DNA to want more connection, we must have love. Falling victim only to the storm and asking that constant question; "what's it all for"? Perhaps those of us, the more evolved, have found land? But is that better than water? The chances of dying out at sea are greater, perhaps there is comfort in that? Perhaps "quantum fiducia fide honoris" should give up the fight with the blind and resign to the oceans depths where she can decompose and rest, finally.
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