Lent

40 days to think about it all. All of it. A deep meditation of light. Focusing on the life that runs voluntarily through our veins. A rising from the dead from all the things that weigh our existence down with negative energy. A "letting go" of sorts, a vacation for the mind, body and soul. A spiritual cleansing that allows us to focus on things that are the good around us, right, pure, honest, sacred, and clear.

I've made so many amazing mistakes in life. Hopefully through reflection I can find a way to rid of negative patterns and cliches that seem to cling to the heal of my shoe like toilet paper. I was never a materialist. I can safely say that I have always wanted a practical life with enough but never too much. The thought of having an abundance of anything is foreign to me. My inner reflections are found down the hall and to the left. The two doors that are adjacent to each other. One with the sign "love" hanging on it and the other door with the sign "art".

I've opened the "love" door a a few time in my life. Usually on lock down and a big Doberman barking behind it. Being in a solitary spot now, I can see who was the "one" I let go. The blue eyed, dark hair, god that would have scaled mountains for me whom now has two beautiful kids and a gorgeous wife that makes his world spin. I was stupid. I could have had happiness? Perhaps that is all in my mind? We all have that moment in life, when all sours and our lovers depart from us or visa-versa, we think of the one we let "get away". I remember one amazing man telling me of his love in college. He was so happy that we found himself crying out of sheer joy while taking a walk in the forest with his lover. He left her because his entourage thought he was too young and should go and sample what the world had to offer. After all that sampling he finds himself in solace as well.

When does the search end? If it's that good, simple and uncomplicated, why do we find ourselves fall victim to judgments of others and their standards instead of to what our heart tells us? (By uncomplicated I mean compatibility and not situational predicaments. Life is never without complication. Let's not be fools.) I can only gather that through all the dreary gloom there is light if you want to see it. One has to be in dark to know what light is. In love and art, in life.

So I sit here with the same question again in my head; Did I let a good man walk away because I was young and stupid? Did he let a good woman go or would they have out grown one another anyway? Perhaps, but we wouldn't have the knowledge we have now. Some tools for living a better life come with a heavy price tag. But they help you build a better house for the future. For some reason I do subscribe to the belief the universe will conspire to help you if you know exactly what it is you want. Simply hoping you stumble into the right person at a bar doesn't fit the bill. Perhaps it's in front of my face? I don't know, I can only follow the light and meditate on love and art in general. Everything seems more clouded when we are young. Looking for all love in all the wrong places and expecting a custom written life script from Hollywood. We project our desires on people we would want to see ourselves with forever, even qualities that the person doesn't posses. Later, we come to find out they weren't what we expected. The the prom queen/president of her sorority was a hoax and the handsome man with the perfect career and life ambitions decided to change his perspective on life.

Light: We see it after a journey through many turbulent storms and still take the risk at our hearts ambitions fully knowing it can get cloudy within seconds. What persistent creatures we are.

So cheers to 40 days of finding light and beauty. There I will reside.

Oh, the art? I didn't forget about that door. All the best work comes from the transition of dark to light. It is adjacent to love. They are neighbors. Seems that music is the best example of how intertwined the two are.