For you Moscow — fire fire

She sat there and thought about writing for a long time. She was sick of her own voice, she was sick of the cruelty of her thoughts, she was sick of his reckless strolls down memory lane on Instagram, sick for his infantile pleas for attention on social media, she was sick of the recklessness altogether. She sat down at a dingy old desk at the library. It was dirty, it was ruined and written on, it was used. It reminded her who she had become. Reminded her of how men treated her. Just someplace to do the writing, stable legs to do their business on, scratch their name into its surface with a car key, write a couple of letters on to all the different pussy that they had to micromanage, eat a hot meal on and then leave not even cleaning up after themselves.

The lettter began: 

Dear CV or whatever name you were given first at birth,

There are no words  I can find to explain the mental disillusion that has become my existence. All that was a reality to me has been ripped away from me like a unborn child from the womb of a mother. Something that seemed so real, so tangible, vanished one day under vile circumstances of your own doing.

That sad video of the stray pup that sits at the bottom of an empty reservoir, matted and mulled, sitting in its own urine and unable to stand up is what remains of my heart. Abandoned, alone, sick, and unable to process what has happened. Unable to see anything else but the remains of rewound memories, playing tirelessly as if to beat me into the ground further, and jeering at me with great pleasure. Shell shocked.

I can hear your voice clearly in my head. I can see the other mask staring back at me yelling,

"Look!

Look at her as she sits there with her small sagging breasts and her wrinkled face. She has been defeated. She cannot compare to the body of an 18 year old, she is old and tired and amounts to nothing. Look at what we have made of her. No longer does her strength magnify her beauty. Her creativity, mind, and soul lost to time and space and spread to unknown corners of the universe. Her talents buried deep in the ground never to be seen again. She can't even think for herself anymore as her mind has become mucus and destroyed with the pain that has cut her every which way possible. Just look at how pathetic she is. A life just to breath, eat, shit and then die forgotten by all. She was invisible anyway, no one cared enough. She matters to no one. Most of all she never mattered to me. I fooled her. I succeeded, my ego succeeded, I tore her down completely, I had the power to do so, I made me feel good about myself. It made me feel amazing and accomplished that I can have any stupid and completely gullible female I want. Another one for the collection. Another one for the jar to look at — a specimen that is dead. This one will be labeled 'The One' since she was the hardest and the most work, she will be placed next to all that easy hoes that walked into my trap without a second thought starting with Moscow, Hungary, Greece, Bulgaria, Romania, Poland, New York, Canada, Melbourne, Amsterdam, Italy, Pittsburgh... "

Do you feel proud?

Is your ego filled?

Do you sleep well at night?

Do you enjoy running away from the hit-and-run that you willingly take part of?

Do you have the slightest understanding of how damaging and permanent your actions are?

Do you know who you are yet?

Do you? Do you?

Lie

If you care about words you learn quite early in life that it is evil to lie. It's the most sadistic thing anyone can do. To alter the truth of ones reality with the sounds that fall off your tongue.

gone

Where has the time gone? It flies by like a jet plane at sonic speeds leaving a wake of destruction behind it and never looking back. It goes by too fast to look back. Time and I are far apart. Where time does not stop I stand frozen in some mental glacier. Like a broken record going round and round through the hallways of my thoughts... turning back to the same place I started as I reach the same place I eventually end up. Like a bad dream where you try to find your way out of the dark woods just to realize you have been going in circles through the same path thinking it was a new one with a way out.

Time... has left me behind, or perhaps I chose to stay.

Why

She looked into her mother's raging tear filled blue eyes and asked, "Mommy? Why can't you live in the house that you built? why don't you have money?  You can get some at the bank. Mommy? Why doesn't anyone want to love you?"
Her little hands brushed her mothers face as tears fell like heavy oil to her feet. Her mother answered through sobs, "I don't know baby. I don't know anything anymore. I love you."

burnt bridges

you push me off to sea

you take down pictures of me
tell me you want me and leave
yet you wear my name on your sleeve

fill yourself with emptiness

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

you won't allow yourself to love me

you suffer from two faces

a black winged dove

bound in scattered places

a mind split in two by fear
a fear of love, of devotion and loyalty
nothing more than a fear of reality
a fear of maturity
the realization of purity
manifesting itself and replacing the cruelty
that binds your mind with a distorted finality

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

flames of the bridges i've burnt light my way
i move forward in thought but like a stone i stay
waiting for you to catch up these days
waiting for you to see the lit ways
that i've shown for you
paved for you
stand at the end of the path for you
light bright by the bridges i burnt for you

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

you know the answers that lie in the deep
your heart speaks the truth, let it steap
feel that bullet that burns in your chest
make mends with your past, lay it down let it rest
the light hurts your eyes as you crawl from the dark
only love can lift all that's stark

only with love there is the a stable truth
only with love you you will find the fountain of youth
crawl away from the dark, come from behind the stone
start living your life, no longer alone
there is nothing to fear, there never has been
only the pains of that past, now shed that skin
let the serpent die, let the heart finally fly

take a look around

take a look around
take a look around
everywhere you look
it's where i'll be found

it's time, it's time to let go of childish ways
to be a man, to leave that phase
move forward in life with the brave
separate yourself from the mediocre rotting in their cave
why be confused and sacred with the rest?
be proud take loves bullets to the chest
only the wise confront the devil
and take their existence to the next level

take a look around

take a look around

Lay Down

“lay down. lay down like an animal and wait.” ― Charles Bukowski, You Get So Alone at Times That it Just Makes Sense


 A friend of mine posted this quote...i keep thinking of these words time and time again. just wait like a dog. I am there when he wants me there, like that dog. Like that best friend that is left alone for the day, left to wait for his return. Humble, loyal, honest and only waiting. Waiting for that moment of love, that pat on the head, that stroke, a smile. Some form of affection and wondering if he thinks of me during his day, or am i forgotten until he wants to remember.

Some say, true to their ignorance, to stop waiting. You know, those people that float through life without ever needing anyone, loving anyone, seldom feeling so empty and paralyzed. Those people that switch jobs every two or three years and climb the ladder of success and don't really think twice when they change from one bed to another. It's just another bed with different sheets, but it's still a bed in form.  Their hair might be different and their tits and ass might be firmer or not, but it's still a hole to stick a dick in. A bland lifestyle without any emotional strings for the most part, the one that nips you in the ass when you turn 40 something and realize that you are a person with no substance, no character, and no one that will hold your hand that you grew and matured with til the end. Ignorance is such bliss on all levels.  I don't understand these people that treat others like disposable one time razors.  I can't stoop down to their shallow levels of understanding life, art, and psychology.  To me it's the equivalent of serving the most gourmet meal filled with beautiful hand crafted food fresh from the farm, just to hear something as idiotic as , "ewwww, I don't know what that is, I'd rather go to McDonalds." I refuse to be associated with emotional retardation as I refuse to be associated with people that are socially part of the ignorant and mainstream. I can't...I'd rather lay down and wait.

So how do you stop waiting for someone that is the only one in the world that makes sense to you. That you genuinely want to see, love, hold and give your whole emotional structure to? Why would i settle again for something lesser than that? Haven't I already treaded down that path just to be left with thorns embedded in the souls of me feet? Why eat poisoned bread and kill your soul slowly? Why not wait for that which makes you full and healthy with love and joy and all that you have dreamed of in companionship? Will I starve waiting for the only person that makes me understand the real meaning of life? Im sure that I might, but it's better than being poisoned everyday without a hope. I'd rather starve hoping that one day I will touch him, smell him, be one with the only person that takes my breath away without the fear of losing him again, and again, and again...

One

I reach in the cupboard for a glass. Poured myself some kombucha and reached in for another glass. I stopped. My heart jumped out of my chest. A warm pain spread there. I realized there are no two. Not anymore. There was no second glass to pour. No one sitting at the desk facing towards the windows. It's just me. A tears ran down my cheek. My throat was tight as I tried to swallow and catch my breath. That was the harsh reality... I was alone once again. Once again my best was not good enough, not even if I had saved his life.

Real

“What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. "Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand... once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.” ― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

unwanted

i am unwelcome
unwanted
pushed out
annoying
self centered i suppose
so it all stops here
i have said everything
given everything
u don't want it
so i give up.
silently i pack my bag
and leave in the middle of the night
somewhere
alone
abandoned for doing nothing wrong
guilty for being loyal and strong
for fighting for you
for being there through all your volatile moments
i know that is not me that has done wrong
it's you that you hate
i took on your guilt and your pain as my own
go on and chase your paper
chase ur ambitions
one day u will wake up and realize
ur audi will not love you back
your money is worthless
and you let go the only person that fought for you
knowing who you are
u mentioned your mother had thoughts that she failed as a mother
in her pain and in her problems of idiot men
maybe she was referring to you as that failure
the one that has slid so far off track
chasing childish dreams
acting like a stupid whore
when she raised you to be a man that fights for things
that are right
ur pride is in the way
so much it will drive you to your lowest point
when you get there remember me
remember that i have always loved you
through your lowest
i never took
i always gave
u told me i was your home
family
your forever
when you hit bottom and you see my face in the mirror
cry
remember me
u had unconditional love
u had me
u threw me out
u didn't want me
not enough to fight your demons off
pride will destroy a man
stubbornness will kill his soul

hello darkness my old friend, i've come to speak with you again

you don't stop by to read any of my words anymore. you don't want to know them, face them, feel my pain, see my love. i live a lonely life. a teased life. i don't want to...

silent

everyday.


there is a pain in me that knows the truth. knows that i am not good enough, cool enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, young enough to keep your interest. sure i am good enough as a person, as a wife/lover/best friend; but i have this feeling that my skills in the kitchen aren't enough to keep you interested when there are others that are pursuing you and it all comes too easy. with so much inventory to chose from why would you ever want me?

some days i am strong and i fuck it all off. stand up for myself and put my blinders on. other days, days such as these, forgive me that you have to read more of my tears, i collapse. my chest caves in and i can't seem to turn it off. wishing i were the center of his universe. knowing i am not.

i wish i could find that strength to let him go. stop with the excuses i make for him. i try hard to be strong, to find the emergency exit. tell myself even though he calls me it means nothing to him, just having his cake and eating it too. he probably calls other girls as well. im a faint beep on his radar, a ghost that walks from room to room at night at times at best. a pit stop for those nights filled with guilt and shame.

i've collapsed. a delayed collapse. i was waiting when it would come...mentally i am water. so capable of doing anything i want. yet unable to take steps. frozen in one spot.hardly getting through it all. i want to find the emergency cord and pull it before i hit the ground.

i suppose its nature acting upon me. my body telling me that it has had enough of players and thrill seekers. enough of men knocking at my door perhaps for the rest of my life. why even think of them when their issues at hand are never resolved, are always in the way of flowing through life with easy and love?

they say that once a brain surgeon cuts through the skull, they can do anything they want to the brain and it will not feel a thing. not one nerve ending. yet, why does the brain inflict so much pain?

i want a big eraser to wipe my past away. never hear from it again. never think of it again. never see the mental images that i have in my head haunting me almost every night....

i don't even wan to write. thought it would help if i did. some release. i can't talk to my friends because they find it entertaining to gossip about my emotions. my family would use everything against me. so i have this... a place where no one will bother me. read it or not. like it or not. i will never know. i will never care.

fuck. i never asked for any of this. never. i had my blinders on... you came along and pulled them off and showed me a different world i believed in.

fuck you life. too cruel.

i would still be on my feet

Just before our love got lost you said
"I am as constant as a northern star"
And I said "Constantly in the darkness
Where's that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar"

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada
With your face sketched on it twice
You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling
I would still be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid

I remember that time you told me you said
"Love is touching souls"
But surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time
You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
"Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed"

You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You're so bitter, bitter and so sweet

Oh, I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

questions

She sat there in an empty room and ask him questions. Her heart bruised, yearning to know something of substance, something tangible, real, something she could hold in her mind as truth. Her facial expressions were very real, as if he were right there, as if she could reach out and touch him. She put her soul into it all, her monologue . Probably more emotional then if he were there in person. She let it all out.

" I'm not weak. But i feel as if you see my love as weak, because you fear it so much. You want me forever and yet you run and push me away. Love is not a weakness but a strength. The weak cannot love and the strong will give unconditional love in my study of life. Because i love you, it doesn't mean i am co-dependent, it means you are fortunate enough in this life to have love that most people will never have in their life. People search for unconditional love, they dream of it, even confuse it with lust and fantasy because it is such a rare thing. then why? why do you fear that which is healthy, good and loyal? why do you run towards the cheap and soulless darkness that has gotten you nothing in life thus far. You have had no love before me that lasted, that fought for you, that wanted to build a life with you, that agreed with you, flowed with you like water, easy and natural. why go back to things that are wrong? that have weighed you down? scared the good person that you are and poisoned the way you think about yourself because of your past?  because you walked on the dark side for too long?
You see yourself the way that you have lived your life has no been working out for you. that it has left you frustrated, lonely, and angry filled with self destruction and living in denial. You see that my words, our struggles has challenged you, pushed you to do things you have talked about doing since you were a boy. You see the changes that have taken place because our union was something epic in both our lives. Then why? Why go back to the dark? why go back to the constant shit? Why not let go and move forward to more wonderful things? why won't you let yourself love me? completely? why? what else have you got? work? success? why no do that with someone you love? travel this life with your best friend...know that i will always be there fail or fly. you cannot find anymore excuses, can you? you've reach the end of the rope. love is rare. unconditional love is a fantasy to most people walking this earth.... are you a gambling man?"

anger

i want to write, release this pain and anger i have, this gust of a hurricane that builds inside me, and when it comes time, i freeze. The exit if far too small for the load. a mental and emotional congestion occurs crippling all the words in my mind. stopping them, too much all at once. A million voices in my head all talking at the same time as if i were god. I don't believe in god, though i understand why god is needed. people are so shit that they need to fear. without it it seems people fear nothing. punishment , consequence, opinions, disease, nothing frightens those that lie, cheat, steal and abuse those that have trusted them. Men and women alike, live a gluttonous lives, filled with every desire at a whim, and ride it until they get caught, if they ever get caught. No fear, complete sanctification, getting their cake while eating it too. There is no moral authority above them, no punishment, no pain, no hell to burn in for eternity. only those left in a wake of pain by their manipulation and selfishness seem to burn in eternal flames of  disbelief and shock. God, i wish there were a God.

i guess i need to buy a pickup truck.

Fear

Amazing how fear cripples a man. Ironic how he can speak of fear running civilization into ignorance and greedy but he himself fears to love, to live an honest and simple life.

surrender

primitive writing.
i give up. only because you want me to.i have never felt so unwanted and alone as i do today. i only wanted you to pick me. but you kicked me out, just like all the others before you, made it clear you don't want to give me attention, love, loyalty. you designate that for others i suppose, younger, prettier, sluttier, famous, successful, etc. who would want someone like me? i am no one. i have nothing. no one has ever wanted me... the door is a familiar place for me. every man keeps showing it to me.

so i leave. without a final goodbye. without a sound... im just a small breeze that blew through.

i love you...

I remember

....

See

Can't think. Can't speak. This is what I see.

weekend

i didn't think i would write again. I didn't think i would need to, that i got a break and in turn would give the world a break with my redundant white noise.

i want to vanish. leave everything and everyone i know and live on the streets in a place like India. Just day to day survival, no friends, no one that will hurt me, no one that will know me, no one that will want to...no one does anyway.

thoughts, thoughts run through my head so fast. like a highway full of them speeding by. catch one. one less sitting in my head. can't even think like i use to. broken sentences. short.

a friend told me he too wasn't ready. ready for what i asked? ready to be with one person for the rest of my life he told me. i asked how that made sense? basically telling me that he is in love but there might be something better one day that might come along? he replied with a " ya i know it sounds stupid, but it's the way men think. it's backwards. we basically need a mother figure that will put up with our shit and tell us what we need." all this still didn't make sense. how can people live thinking then can tell the future? there will be something better? that they will hurt their partner? the only thing we do know is that we will die. and if we wait for something better, the best thing in life will pass us by. I asked him how that whole "non committal/not ready " thing worked out for him. he told me he regretted it.

can't make anyone ready. i know. i get a slice of heaven. rare pieces of what my life could be. don't want much in life. simple and honest love will suffice. but i only get a slice, a moment, a minute. never the dream. never the whole pie. just enough to get me salivating for more and keep craving it. have to sleep. try to. nothing makes sense to me. my mind is washed away with Novocaine. i was "the one". the best thing. i must have not been good enough. enough to want me. not famous enough. not an actress. a model. not even successful. i can see why when a man has the whole world of young girls to choose from, why i would be just "the good woman". "the wonderful person". but nothing spectacular. just a nice cooked meal, shelter, coffee and some sex while on the road. nothing more. nothing less. perhaps just a rebound from that Brazilian stripper. at the end of the day it doesn't matter. i was not the one apparently to him. sadly, it wasn't the same for me. it's always "sadly". for me anyway. the doormat. the no one. the one that enters their life, is welcomed, treated like a queen and then for no reason asked to leave. i should have better manners when shown the door. not knock again. just try to find my way home. confused. abandoned. alone.

i keep reliving that weekend in my mind. like a broken record. tired. monotone. stoned in the heart. heavy. empty. and always alone. it was such a warm fire. such a perfect embrace. two reunited butterflies fluttering on the same air.

delete.

the sting is like vodka on an open heart.

shock.