If

If I could only express what your words mean to me. What they strike inside me. How vivid they are and what they invoke. The things that I have endured, things i have heard, things that have bruised me physically and emotionally. It's hard to pretend that I can take these words you speak and dreams you share so freely with me and think of you as just a friend. It's cold and heartless to say we are just friends. Friends don't exchange such ideas, lovers do. Romeo and Juliet swirled on words and ideas and attraction that had not been realized. I am a fool, an old school fool that hangs on words more so than anything else. My heart melts at in their presence and to their sound; they are the most delicious foreplay to the more tantalizing sex ever to have been had. You control me; I cannot find it in me to tell you this. My heart and it's rhythm is as unique as the spelling of the word itself. I wish I had a space on your arm next to your sisters. Truth elixor makes me so. I shake my head, in ever which way trying so hard to think other thoughts. I've fallen. The bottom is stone cold and hard, there is a reality that pertains to it. I can feel it's chill through my bones as i sit there and wait like the hopeless damsel for her prince. Even though i have never been the one to wait, the one to open up, the one to feel more. I know I keep so much to myself, in my own panic room. Waiting to meet that one I can open the flood gates to and share the skeletons in my closet, the one that won't run, the one that will long to stay against all means. The one that will crave all that i have to give with no hidden agenda, no "let's play it by ear". A certainty that runs so deep in his veins that he knows there is nothing else on earth that would ever pull him away. I can't hope for anything less than a fairytale. A best friend that literally needs my presence to breath and visa versa: until we die, until our gray hair cover our bones. This is no joke, this is my life and it is all so short when we step back and take a look at it. i don't intend on wasting anymore years on men and their empty words. It will never happen again.

Love is such a life line for me that who so ever gets to share it with me needs to realize that they can kill me with the slightest of reckless behavior. It's my heart you hold in my hand, like your sisters' and your mother's. You have seen them break and rupture beyond repair, you know the darkness that sits there for a women like us. You know the truth. Tread carefully.