Missing

I can't help but think about the magical conversations. Each one played in my head a dozen times, rewind and fast forward, trying to visualize every word. An alternate universe. Is that all i have created? is there a tangible reality at the end of the rope? Will he one day sit me in that chair on his lap after cooking me dinner? Will he reach into the ocean water to pull out a shell with a ring in it? Hopes and dreams and the remnants of pain are sewn over my heart in patches. Each patch sewn to it with words, if they were to unravel like thread my heart might fall through my chest and land at my feet like a wet towel. I fail to understand how physically changed I've become because of his words, how effected. Fear that something this strong can take hold and mold me like clay in my makers hands. Is he strong enough to weather the storms of my soul, will he take all i build and kick it over with one blow? Like a best friend turned bully that stomps through your perfect sand castle. With one blow; it's that easy isn't it? To break a heart. That missing goodnight or a slight different energy over the phone. A quicker goodbye than usual. A longer silence between seconds. Insecurities start crawling out of the ground like ants turning my mind grey and withdrawn. Yes, i am aware of reality, perhaps that's why i feel everything so intensely. Perhaps that's why each word and gesture means that much more to me than to the next person. I know how rare it all is.

I am a rock, I am an Island.